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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410754">The Kübler-Ross Model</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/childoflightning/pseuds/childoflightning'>childoflightning</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you) [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ableism, Accepance, Aftermath, Anger, Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has PTSD, Autistic Logic | Logan Sanders, Bargaining, Blind Sleep | Remy Sanders, Coming Out, Denial, Depression, Dysphoria, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Gender Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Questioning, Recovery, Remy Has a Service Dog, Remy Sanders Needs a Hug, Remy's going through a lot of shit, Repression, Running Away, The Kübler-Ross Model, This is the aftermath of interdependence, Trans Morality | Patton Sanders, Transgender, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Virgil has a Service Dog, grief cycle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 14:02:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,807</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410754</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/childoflightning/pseuds/childoflightning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <strong>Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.</strong>
</p><p>-</p><p>Remy's fine. </p><p>He ran away from home, but he's an adult so it doesn't really count as running away, right? His dad keeps calling him and Remy keeps pressing ignore, but it doesn't matter because he's not letting himself think about that. (He's not letting himself think about a lot of things). He's starting college soon and he's meeting his roommate and making new friends and Remy- he's making a new life for himself.</p><p>He's fine.</p><p>He doesn't feel fine.</p><p>Why doesn't he feel fine?</p><p>-</p><p>Or: The immediate and continued aftermath of "Interdependence"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders &amp; Sleep | Remy Sanders, Kai/Lauren (Cartoon Therapy), Sleep | Remy Sanders &amp; Kai (Cartoon Therapy), Sleep | Remy Sanders &amp; Logic | Logan Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you) [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1322924</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>151</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>334</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Denial</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Stage One: Denial- Characterized by a refusal to accept reality in order to protect against pain of it.</p><p>In which Remy avoids confronting his feelings.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><strong>TW: PTSD, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Social Dysphoria, Accidental Misgendering</strong><br/>In Depth TW in End Notes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, a touch too cheerfully. Remy sighs, already slightly suspicious of who it’s from. He puts his finger to the screen, sliding it around as he searches for the desired section.</p>
<p>“Voicemail.”</p>
<p>One finger down.</p>
<p>“Daniel Zurko. M-”</p>
<p>Double tap.</p>
<p>“Hey Remy. I don’t know- I don't know what you were thinking. Flying off to Florida like that- Remy you can’t <em>do</em> that that’s- you could have been hurt and you can’t just- You can’t do that, okay Remy? I don’t know what’s going I on. I know you and Logan are close and I can only guess you went to him but… We gotta talk about these things, okay? It’s fine this time though, not a big deal. Let’s get you home, I’m worried. It’s- you can’t handle yourself Remy and I worry about you being by yourself. I know you’re 18 but Remy you have to understand there’s things you just aren’t capable of. I-,” a sigh, “Just, call me okay? Let’s get you home, we can talk then. I love you Remy. Call me.”</p><hr/>
<p>Things are fine.</p>
<p>Remy has been staying with Virgil, Logan, and their boyfriends for a few days now, and things are still very new, but Remy is adjusting just fine.</p>
<p>Everything is great.</p>
<p>His dad keeps calling him which is sorta annoying, but it’s easy enough to deny the calls. In fact, he doesn’t just deny them but ignores them completely, pushing them to the back of his mind to not be thought about at all. So far the plan seems to be working. Not answering calls means he doesn’t have to talk to his dad and ignoring them completely means that Remy doesn’t have to worry about them.</p>
<p>It’s a foolproof plan, denying the gravity of his situation.</p>
<p>And really, he isn’t denying anything. This whole spontaneous ‘run away until I can go to college thing’ isn’t that big of a deal. It’s only for a few months anyways. Then, he’ll go to college and everything will calm down. It’ll be fine. Everything would be fine.</p>
<p>Remy doesn’t feel fine.</p>
<p>See, the downside of running away and going to live with your cousin, friend, and their boyfriends is that Remy’s life has no structure. Sure, he's starting to build some for himself. He takes Cha-Cha for walks, stops by Starbucks, but he still has a lot of downtime.</p>
<p>And downtime means a lot of time to ruminate.</p>
<p>Remy thinks about things a lot. Mostly things he doesn’t want to think about. Like the fact that he had just traveled across the country with zero support from his father. Like the fact that he ran away and is refusing to talk to his father because Remy hit a breaking point and he just can’t do this anymore. Like the fact that he knows he’s way in over his head except that he has no idea what to do about that so he’s just bullshitting his way through all of this. Like the fact that everything’s pressing around him and sometimes it makes it hard to breathe and-</p>
<p>He needs to get out of his head.</p>
<p>He knows he does. He does. He just doesn't know <em>how</em>.</p>
<p>“Lot on your mind?” Virgil asks.</p>
<p>“Hmm?” Remy responds, pulling his attention back to Virgil. “Oh. I dunno. No.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Virgil says and Remy knows that Virgil doesn't believe him at all.</p>
<p>Remy huffs and shrugs.</p>
<p>“I mean, I dunno? I guess. But I’m fine. I just-” he trails off. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing,’ a voice in him internally screams, but he isn't dealing with that shit so he shoves it somewhere deep inside of him.</p>
<p>“Just?” Virgil asks, carrying the word, because of course Virgil won’t let him get away with anything.</p>
<p>“I- uh I get my roommate or roommates today,” Remy says in place of actually answering with what he maybe should.</p>
<p>Virgil doesn’t speak for a moment and Remy thinks that maybe he really is going to be forced to share.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” he says after a minute.</p>
<p>Remy doesn’t sigh in relief, but it’s close.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Remy agrees.</p>
<p>“Still have no clue why you decided to do that. You do realize how easy it would be for you to get a single right?”</p>
<p>Remy does, and he’d rather die than be put in a single. Even if his roommate is a complete asshole, the minimum social interaction from their conversations has to be better than being completely alone. Anything would be better than being alone. Remy hates being alone.</p>
<p>He’s always been alone.</p>
<p>He doesn’t think he’s ever going to stop being alone.</p>
<p>“I know. I wanted to. Come on, roommates are like the college experience.”</p>
<p>Virgil breathes out huffed laughter.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he says, voice full of mirth, “I mean I’m of the personal opinion that roommates suck but-”</p>
<p>“No you’re not-” new voice joins in, startling Remy a bit. It’s Patton or Roman but he can’t differentiate their voices super well yet. Getting there but he’s definitely not at the point where he can identify them based on three words.</p>
<p>“Uh yes, sharing a room with you was the worst experience of my life,” Virgil responds.</p>
<p>Past tense. It’s Roman then.</p>
<p>“Two things. One, we currently share a room so that’s bullshit. Two, you were the first to even agree with the idea,” Roman argues.</p>
<p>A dark shape enters Remy’s limited field of vision, backlit from the light coming through the window. A moment later, Roman disappears as he traveled away from the light source and presumably towards Virgil.</p>
<p>“I remember conditionally agreeing,” Virgil barters back, “And I was the first to agree because you asked me first. If you think about it, I actually took the most time to agree to the idea even if I technically answered first.”</p>
<p>“Eh, semantics,” Roman brushes off, “Anyways you like me to much to get rid of me.”</p>
<p>Virgil grumbles but doesn’t deny it.</p>
<p>“So what’s this about roommates?” Roman asks.</p>
<p>A chair scrapes against the floor as he takes a seat next to Virgil at the table.</p>
<p>“I get my roommate or roommates today,” Remy explains.</p>
<p>“And I was saying that he should have gotten a single.”</p>
<p>Remy would’ve hated a single. He’s just hoping whoever he rooms with isn’t going to be a complete asshole.</p>
<p>“Oh come on, roommates are fun.”</p>
<p>“If they’re anything like you were- no they are not.”</p>
<p>“Oh! Hey! Speaking of single rooms, Remy did Virgil ever tell you how Patton and him met?” Roman’s voice gains an eager tone, humor hanging behind it.</p>
<p>Remy rolls his eyes because he knows exactly where this conversation is going.</p>
<p>“Roman,” Virgil warns.</p>
<p>“You see, what happens when you have a single is that you have no one to let you inside if you lock yourself out,” Roman starts.</p>
<p>“Hey Remy, did I ever tell you about the time that Roman gave himself a concussion and a bloody nose because he fell off his desk?” Virgil quickly interrupts.</p>
<p>“Okay no- that’s not fair. I was trying to make my point. It’s your fault I fell off that desk.” Roman bickers back.</p>
<p>Virgil forms his rebuttal and the two of them go at it, hashing out an argument they’ve had probably a billion times.</p>
<p>Remy has in fact heard both of these stories numerous times, as they seem to be Roman and Virgil’s favorite pieces of playful ammunition at one other. With the two distracted, Remy slips away to check his email.</p>
<p>The roommate assignment hasn’t come. He sighs, and reloads it. Nothing. He sighs, and reloads it again, ‘cause he’s got nothing better to do.</p>
<p>He blinks in surprise when his phone reports that he actually has just gotten an email from the university. Remy lets the screen read the information to him, quickly speeding through the parts that seem unimportant. He eventually finds a name, just one of them.</p>
<p>Kai Jacobson.</p>
<p>Okay, one roommate. Remy can work with that. He thinks about reaching out, getting in touch, getting to know whoever this “Kai” is. But Remy literally got this email five minutes ago and that seems a bit stalkerish so he decides to wait a bit.</p>
<p>He holds off until after dinner and then emails his mysterious new roommate, eager to get to know him. Now that he actually has a roommate college is starting to seem more and more like a reality. Something thrums softly inside of Remy, and he thinks it’s maybe relief.</p>
<p>Kai doesn’t respond that night, but he has an email that evening and a phone number. They switch to texting.</p><hr/>
<p>It’s Logan that finds him a week later, sprawled casually across the sofa, earbud in his ear as he listens to Kai’s last text before responding. Cha-Cha was at his feet a moment ago, though the last time he leaned his foot down to brush against her fur, she wasn’t there.</p>
<p>He’s on his phone in the first place because his Dad called and he ignored it once more. After, his mind kept buzzing, so he opened up his texts and reached out to Kai, hoping for a quick response and a distraction. He doesn’t want to talk to his dad, doesn’t want to ruminate in what Remy has done. But Kai came through, replying to his text quickly. They’d been talking for awhile now and Remy has barely thought about his dad at all.</p>
<p>The text finishes reading itself and Remy holds down the mic on his headphones, eager to reply when a voice interrupts him.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” Logan asks.</p>
<p>Remy pulls his attention away from his phone.</p>
<p>“What does it look like I’m doing?” he snarks back.</p>
<p>Logan moves.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure,” he admits, as he comes closer.</p>
<p>“Talking to Kai,” Remy says, giving a real answer.</p>
<p>“Oh. Uh, who’s Kai?”</p>
<p>“A friend.”</p>
<p>“You have friends?”</p>
<p>The corner of Remy’s mouth twitches at the comment, not quite giving way to humor, but close.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” Logan immediately apologizes when he doesn’t respond. “Sorry. That was rude. I didn’t- I meant- I- I think that maybe sounded wrong. I’m trying to say-”</p>
<p>Remy let’s Logan flounder for words for a bit, giving him the opportunity to speak and clarify, but when nothing comes from it and Logan just seems to be angry with himself, Remy jumps in.</p>
<p>“You’re good Lo, you don’t need to apologize. Admittedly- don’t quite know what you’re trying to ask if your question <em>isn’t</em> ‘do you have friends’ but if that <em>is</em> your question, I don’t mind it and the answer to it is yes, yes I do have friends.”</p>
<p>Remy does. Most of them are from home but he hasn’t talked to any of them since he got here. He’s gotten a few texts and the group chat he’s in still carries on with spamming him constantly. (It’d probably be annoying if he didn’t constantly have it on mute). And it’s- his friends are good people. He just... doesn’t know what to say.</p>
<p>He hasn’t even worked up the courage to text them, and he feels pretty guilty about that because they probably have no clue what happened to him. They were going to go out to the movies a few days ago and if they hadn’t been concerned then, they certainly are now. Remy knows that. But he still doesn’t talk to them.</p>
<p>What do you say after you make an instinctual decision to fly across the country three months earlier than planned with no explanation or goodbye? What do you say when you run away from home and, sure, you’re an adult but you have no fucking clue what you’re doing and something deep inside of you hurts and you’re scared and lost and alone and you don’t know how to deal with that, how to even begin addressing that?</p>
<p>Luckily, Remy doesn’t get to ponder those distressing thoughts any further, because Logan speaks up.</p>
<p>“I meant-” Logan tries after a moment, but he just cuts himself again with another sigh. He takes a seat on the couch, leg pressing into Remy’s feet. Considering Logan’s the one that initiated the physical touch, Remy throws his feet onto Logan’s lap. One of Logan’s legs bounces as he continues to ponder his question.</p>
<p>“Y’know it’s fine if you did just want to ask if I had a friend or not,” Remy said. He can’t tell with Logan sometimes- when Logan regrets saying something because he realizes it’s maybe not considered ‘socially appropriate’ or when Logan regrets saying something because it’s not quite what he meant and he’s not getting his point across.</p>
<p>“No, no,” Logan says. His leg bounces faster. “I meant more- you have friends as in I’m interested in them? Tell me about them. Who are you talking to?”</p>
<p>“Kai,” Remy says.</p>
<p>“Who’s that?”</p>
<p>“My roommate.”</p>
<p>“You got your roommate? And just one? And you’re hearing this late? What about priority?”</p>
<p>“Mhmm,” Remy agrees, “I signed up for the gender-inclusive dorming which is why I didn’t have priority. I think I maybe told you that. But yeah- the freshman dorms are generally less roommates because they’re tiny apparently.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Yes. I remember that now. Patton’s dorm was very small.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. So it’ll be just the two of us.”</p>
<p>“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”</p>
<p>Remy shrugs.</p>
<p>“Dunno yet,” he admits, “Kai seems pretty cool though. They actually live locally so we’re planning to meet up. And that should be nice- getting to know them a bit before I meet them.”</p>
<p>“Oh. That’s good.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. They were very disappointed when I admitted that I didn’t play any video games. Joking disappointed,” Remy amends so Logan is aware that it wasn’t a real issue, “Or well- he was a bit disappointed but short-term it's not really a big deal disappointed. But I sated him with picture of Cha-Cha.”</p>
<p>He recalls the conversation fondly. Maybe he should talk to some of his friends back him if this minimal interaction between him and a practical stranger gets him this hyped up. Remy’s always been an extrovert. People around him- good people, friends- have always had a recharging effect on him. He’s been lonely without them.</p>
<p>Or he would be lonely. But he’s not. Because he’s fine.</p>
<p>Remy pushes those thoughts away.</p>
<p>“Oh! And give me a second,” Remy pulls his phone back out, searches for the pictures that have been sent. “Kai said that Cha-Cha was yawning in one of them and that it’s very cute, look.”</p>
<p>Logan takes the phone from him. He struggles with the voice commands for a moment.</p>
<p>“Double tap,” Remy reminds, when the same description is being read off over and over again.</p>
<p>Logan gives a hum of acknowledgement.</p>
<p>“Very cute,” he observes after a moment, “I didn’t know she had spots on her tongue.”</p>
<p>As if summoned, Cha-Cha comes over from wherever she was, collar jingling slightly as she settles her head on Logan’s leg, panting ever so slightly.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah,” Remy says, “Totally forgot about those.” He directs his next sentences at his dog, “Yeah, Cha-Cha? You have little spots on your tongue?”</p>
<p>Cha-Cha doesn’t reply, but does shuffle over to Remy’s side, settling her snout under his arm and nudging him slightly.</p>
<p>“I know, I know, you want a walk we can go in a minute,” he promises. She noses him once more and then stops, presumably settling on the floor again. Remy reaches a hand to check absentmindedly, fingers curling into her fur.</p>
<p>“Phone,” Logan offers, finished looking at the pictures.</p>
<p>Remy lets go of Cha-Cha and extends his hand towards Logan. Logan presses the phone against his fingers and he grabs it, settling it on his chest.</p>
<p>“I’m going to take Cha-Cha for a walk,” he says. At the words, Cha-Cha shoots to her feet in and instant. “Wanna come?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Logan agrees. Remy nods, and throws his feet off of Logan. The action causes his phone to fall of his chest and clatter to the ground. He makes a face and takes a minute to find it on the floor before standing and pocketing it.</p>
<p>He looks over at the nearest window, checking the light. It isn’t too bright outside, but it was raining earlier and Remy learned a long time ago that while the light flashing off of puddles was very pretty, it also hurt like hell and was generally very disorientating.</p>
<p>“Lemme grab sunglasses and we can go,” he says.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Logan agrees and Remy darts away.</p>
<p>A walk will be nice. Remy really needs to get out of his head.</p><hr/>
<p>There’s someone at the kitchen table.</p>
<p>Remy is not expecting there to be someone at the kitchen table.</p>
<p>“Uh, hey?” he offers.</p>
<p>He gets no response.</p>
<p>The whole gang’s supposed to be at work. No one’s supposed to be home right now.</p>
<p>“Remy?” a quiet voice asks, sounding completely and utterly terrified.</p>
<p>“Hey Virge, yeah it’s me. Mind if I sit?”</p>
<p>Virgil doesn’t respond. But his breathing is even, and he doesn’t seem to be hurt or anything, so Remy lets the worst of the worry leave him. He’s been friends with Virgil for years. He knows how to handle this.</p>
<p>“Okay. Well I’m going to keep making breakfast then,” he says after a moment, and continues into the kitchen. He throws a bagel in the toaster and pulls out what he’s pretty sure is jam. The contents catch in the light, which is a good sign, but Roman and Patton aren’t super great at putting things back in the same spot (though Remy knows they’re both trying) and it’s still a pretty unfamiliar kitchen to Remy.</p>
<p>He gets the jam- and it <em>is</em> jam- on his bagel and let’s Virgil know that he’s going to join him at the table.</p>
<p>He walks over slowly, waiting to see if Virgil gives any indication that he doesn’t want Remy coming near him. But he doesn’t really respond in any way so Remy takes a seat across from him.</p>
<p>“Hey Virgil, not a great day?”</p>
<p>It’s obvious that it isn’t, considering Virgil isn’t at work, but Remy still asks. He’s not really sure where Virgil’s at right now, but the question can’t hurt and should be an easy one for Virgil to answer.</p>
<p>“No,” Virgil confirms.</p>
<p>Remy nods, but he isn’t super happy about how short that answer was.</p>
<p>“I- Do you need help with grounding or anything?”</p>
<p>“No,” Virgil answers, “No I- I know I’m here. I know I’m in the kitchen. I- just- I’m really scared,” he admits.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Remy says, “Do you need or want anything from me?”</p>
<p>“No- I- it’s okay. I’m okay. I know I’m okay.”</p>
<p>“You’re sure?”</p>
<p>Virgil sighs roughly.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he says, and his voice seems a bit clearer, “Yeah, yeah I’m good. I’m okay. I’m safe.”</p>
<p>“Alright then. Well I’m leaving a bit to meet up with Kai.”</p>
<p>Virgil knows that information, Remy and Kai had planned to meet-up two weeks ago. But, with Virgil where he was at now, Remy thinks the reminder can’t hurt. It’ll give Virgil time for him to be okay with Remy leaving the house.</p>
<p>“You’re leaving the house?”</p>
<p>The fear is obvious in Virgil’s tone, even as Remy knows he’s probably trying to hide it.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Remy says, “In about an hour. Don’t really know how long we’ll stay.”</p>
<p>Be as specific as possible, Remy remembers. Give Virgil space to respond. Acknowledge his fears, validate. Don’t let those same fears control decision making. Adapt, adjust, but keep moving forward.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to drive you?” Virgil offers. His fingers drum on the table.</p>
<p>“I was planning on taking the bus,” Remy says. He’d spent and hour last night trying to figure out the times online. It had been a frustrating experience, but he thought he’d finally figured it out.</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>Remy knows Virgil, so he speaks up once more.</p>
<p>“Do you <em>want</em> to drive me?”</p>
<p>Remy doesn’t know what’s going through Virgil’s head right now. But he’s obviously scared- scared enough he hasn’t gone to work today, hasn’t left the house. It’s because Virgil hasn't left the house, that Remy is surprised Virgil even offers to drive him, but Remy also understands that Virgil probably doesn’t want him somewhere he isn’t positive Remy’s going to be safe at. And right now, Remy doubts there’s many places Virgil’s considering safe.</p>
<p>It had taken a while for Remy not to feel offended. When they were younger, Remy was insistent on being independent even as more and more people took that away from him. When he had first met Virgil, Virgil had seemed to do the same thing, not wanting Remy to be alone, go out by himself, etc. And Remy had hated it.</p>
<p>They fought about a few times before finally talking about it. Remy shared that he felt that Virgil was stealing away his independence instead of letting Remy come to him when or if he needed support. Virgil had apologized and shared that it had nothing to do with Remy, it was Virgil, and it was trauma, and he was working on it but sometimes he just got so scared and had to make sure Remy was safe. He couldn’t let Remy get hurt.</p>
<p>Virgil had worked on those fears, that lingering trauma and Remy had worked on not taking it personally and giving Virgil extra reassurances.</p>
<p>“I-” Virgil attempts, and right, Virgil’s offering to drive him. “I want you to be safe. I don’t want to leave the house.”</p>
<p>“I’m going to be safe,” Remy promises, “Do you want me to give you the address? I can also text you when I get there and when I leave if you want.”</p>
<p>“I-” Virgil hesitates, “Can you?”</p>
<p>“For sure,” Remy confirms, “I’m going to go get ready now. You good?”</p>
<p>“Eh,” Virgil offers, and Remy’s willing to take that.</p>
<p>He slips away to take a shower and then get dressed.</p>
<p>It’s getting dressed that trips him up, and he’s not even sure why. He doesn’t really care if he looks nice or not, he’s just meeting his roommate for the first time. He genuinely doesn’t feel a need or desire to look a certain amount of presentable. It’s more- it’s more his body he thinks. How his clothes look on his body. He’s all sharp edges. He’s tall and thin and rectangular, and his clothes show that. And when Kai sees him, they’re going to think…</p>
<p>Kai’s going to think what?</p>
<p>Kai’s just going to think he’s a guy wearing clothes. That’s literally it. Remy knows that. He doesn’t think that Kai’s going to pass judgement on him for what he’s wearing or not. And they wouldn’t pass judgement on Remy’s body intentionally, Remy knows that. But they- what if they pass judgement on his body unintentionally?</p>
<p>And why does that even matter to Remy? His body’s fine. He’s- he knows it’s fine. He’s fine with it. He likes his body. But Kai’s going to think…</p>
<p>Kai’s going to think he’s a guy.</p>
<p>But that’s right isn’t it?</p>
<p>Remy’s heart pounds in his-their-her-xyr-eir <em>his</em> chest.</p>
<p>He takes a deep breath.</p>
<p>“You’re a guy,” he says out loud to himself. “Kai’s going to see you and they’re going to think you’re a guy, and they’re going to be <em>right</em>.”</p>
<p>Remy pushes everything else to the side, stops worrying about how he looks. (Or more- he starts ignoring the fact that he’s worried about how he looks and what that means) and he moves to leave the house. He wants to talk to Virgil again first, so he doesn’t have time to be worrying about anything so it’s fine.</p>
<p>It’s fine.</p>
<p>He’s fine.</p>
<p>He.</p>
<p>“Virgil?” Remy calls when he’s back in the living room.</p>
<p>“Couch,” Virgil replies, “What’s up?”</p>
<p>“I’m headed out now.”</p>
<p>“I-” Virgil hesitates for just a second, “Okay.”</p>
<p>Remy knows how much strength it takes for Virgil to say that.</p>
<p>“Can I have the address?” he then asks.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Remy says. He gives it to him, as well as which bus he’s taking, and promises to text him when he gets there and when he heads back.</p>
<p>“Okay, I gotta go,” Remy says eventually.</p>
<p>“Okay. Can-” Virgil cuts himself off. Remy waits. “Can I give you a hug?” Virgil eventually asks.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Remy says, and then he’s being wrapped up in Virgil’s arms.</p>
<p>Virgil gives really good hugs. They’re firm and securing and loving and nothing like how confining his father’s have always felt. Remy lets himself melt into a moment, before slowly pulling away.</p>
<p>He gets Cha-Cha in her harness, calls out a goodbye, waits for one in response, and is out the door.</p><hr/>
<p>Remy arrives there perfectly on time and gets in line because coffee. He quickly texts Virgil to let him know that he's arrived and then texts Kai as well to tell them the same thing.</p>
<p>He’s just had someone show him to a table when a figure leans over him and speaks.</p>
<p>“Remy, right? I’m Kai.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he says with a smile, and reaches a hand out. Kai takes it and shakes it before dropping the hand and then sitting at the table.</p>
<p>“This Cha-Cha then?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Remy tells them, “You can say hi if you want.”</p>
<p>With permission Kai greats his dog with some cheerful cooing and pets. After a moment they stop and fall into semi-awkward silence.</p>
<p>“So,” Kai drawls.</p>
<p>“So,” Remy responds.</p>
<p>“I’m sorta awful at socializing,” Kai admits with a small laugh.</p>
<p>“That’s okay,” Remy says, “I don’t think I’m much better.</p>
<p>Five minutes later and they’re talking like they’ve known each other for years, initial awkwardness gone.</p>
<p>They talk about their dorm a bit, and Kai brings up their excitement at a gender-inclusive dorming option. Remy agrees with them, a smile on his face. Kai’s excitement is easily explained, the use of changing they/them and he/him pronouns making it clear why they picked it. Remy knows that he himself has to be hard to place. Kai probably assumes he’s just an ally. Which he is (isn’t he?). Remy almost wishes that Kai would ask him why he chose these particular dorms.</p>
<p>Except maybe not, because Remy knows what he’d answer.</p>
<p>He’s a guy. He’s cis. It’s fine.</p>
<p>He’s fine.</p>
<p>He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine.</p>
<p>He. He. He.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><strong>TW: PTSD</strong> (Virgil as PTSD and deals with its symptoms, particularly feelings of outside his house being unsafe),<strong> Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</strong> (Remy ignores his feelings and avoids dealing with most of his problems to an extreme degree), <strong>Social Dysphoria</strong> (Remy expresses that Kai assuming he’s a boy is potentially distressing to him), <strong>Accidental Misgendering</strong> (knowing only Kai's name, Remy assumes Kai is male)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Anger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Stage Two: Anger- Characterized by high energy and coped up frustrations that begin to pour out by lashing out at others or yourself.</p><p>In which Remy is angry about everything.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><strong>TW: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Verbal Fights, Toxic Relationships (hinted at), Misgendering, Exclusionary Rhetoric (mentioned), Ableism</strong><br/>In Depth TW in End Notes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, sounding almost bitter. Remy sighs, at this point already knowing who it’s from. He puts his finger to the screen, sliding it around as he searches for the desired section.</p><p>“Voicemail.”</p><p>One finger down.</p><p>“Daniel Zurko. M-”</p><p>Double tap.</p><p>“Remy. This is childish and has gone on way too long. I canceled the credit card. I expect you to call me so we can get you home. I get that you’re upset, but this is not the way to deal with it. You think I’m the bad guy but I am doing what’s best for you Remy, I always have. You need to grow up. You’re an adult now, act like one. Call me. Come home. Now.”</p><hr/><p>Moving into the dorms is a surprisingly low-key event. Remy gets to move in early, as does Kai, so they're not trying to get things done in the time most of the freshman are piling in. It’s a lot nicer that way. They don’t have people on top of them- actually they have pretty much no one on top of them- and that lowers Remy’s stress by a lot.</p><p>Except, this definitely wasn’t something he’s stressing about.</p><p>Okay, maybe he's been stressing about it a <em>little</em> bit.</p><p>It’s well- it’s just this an entire new place and the campus is <em>huge</em>. He’s visited a few times now to start getting a layout, but he knows it’s going to take weeks before he can find his way around with ease. It’s nice to start on that when no one else is here yet. It gives Remy space and he feels a little bit less self-conscious.</p><p>(It’s stupid that he feels self-conscious at all, he shouldn’t, but he does, so there’s that).</p><p>Kai and him get their dorm set up and decorated as well.</p><p>Or well- it’s mostly Remy setting things up while Kai comments snarkily from the corner that the bed doesn’t line up perfectly. (They had to move everything a bit to make space for Cha-Cha). Remy doesn’t really mind because it’s nice to see Kai relaxing. He seemed uncomfortable and unsure when he admitted that he couldn’t do any of the heavy lifting, so Remy takes the return to teasing as a good sign.</p><p>They decorate the dorm next and it’s fun and it’s easy and Remy’s really thinking he’s found a friend in Kai.</p><p>Then Kai falls silent.</p><p>“Kai?” Remy asks when he stops making comments every two seconds.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“You good?”</p><p>Kai hesitates and Remy frowns. Remy’s about to ask a follow up question, but Kai beats him to speaking.</p><p>“Hey so, I brought two pride flags. I was hoping I could put them up in our room.”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>“Of course,” Remy says easily.</p><p>“I- yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah. Kai we’re literally in gender-inclusive dorming right now. But I mean, even if we weren't, yeah of <em>course</em> you can,” Remy insists, voice firm and even.</p><p>“Okay,” Kai says. He relaxes. “Okay.”</p><p>The tension in the room evaporates and Remy breathes out.</p><p>“Which flags?” he asks, curiosity peaking.</p><p>“Trans and demiboy,” Kai tells him.</p><p>Remy didn’t know you could be both trans and a demiboy. But that's probably better to google than to bug Kai with right now.</p><p>“I didn’t know there was a demiboy flag,” he admits.</p><p>The comment seems to perk Kai up and he explains to him the dark grey-grey-blue-white-and reverse of the demiboy flag. The two of them hang the flags up together.</p><p>Kai gives him a hard time about hanging one up the wrong way and it takes Remy a solid minute to remember that both flags are reversible. He flips Kai off and scowls. Kai just laughs. The conversation turns casual once more.</p><p>“Oh!” Kai says at one point, moving quickly to sift through a bag on the other side of the room, “I got a thing and you can tell me if you hate the thing and if so I can return it, but you said that you have some light perception so…” he trails off.</p><p>There was a pause for a moment where neither of them said anything.</p><p>“Thoughts?” Kai eventually asks again.</p><p>“On?”</p><p>“Ah man- you can’t see it?”</p><p>“Don’t know if we’ve talked about this yet but I’m blind actually,” Remy snarks back.</p><p>Kai groans.</p><p>“No just- okay catch.”</p><p>“Please tell me you’re not about to chuck something at a blind person Kai.”</p><p>The object lands softly next to him on the bed. Remy doesn’t know if that was intentional, or if Kai just failed to hit him. Either way Remy sighs and picks it up. The object is a box and has a thin circular button at one corner, but he still has no clue what it is.</p><p>“They’re fairy lights,” Kai explains, “Sorry. You said that you liked light and I thought you’d be able to see it because you said that you could see light.”</p><p>“Some light,” Remy says. He holds it up to his eyes and now he can barely see little tiny specs of light. “And I can kinda see it now. Is the box completely clear?”</p><p>“Yeah. Sorry.”</p><p>“Why are you apologizing?”</p><p>“Uh…”</p><p>“I told you I liked light. You went out of your way to get fairy lights for our dorm. It’s an awesome idea, not your fault my eyes don’t work.”</p><p>“Yeah but the gift kind of failed.”</p><p>“Well if you like them we can still keep them. And if not- well you said you can return them? Depending on where they’re from we can see if we can find fairy lights I can actually see,” Remy suggests.</p><p>“Oh my gosh we could- there was a ton of options.”</p><p>Remy nods and stands up.</p><p>“Okay, where too?”</p><p>“Right now?” Kai asks.</p><p>“I mean it depends on where you got these, but yeah? I mean we have the time.”</p><p>That they do, now that they’ve mostly finished.</p><p>“Target. So there’s gotta be one locally.”</p><p>They spend a few minutes online, figure out the address, and then Remy’s getting up to go. He gets Cha-Cha in her harness and grabs his things before opening the door for a swing and waiting for Kai. Kai joins him at the door, hesitates for a second, and then grabs something right next to the door. At first Remy thinks it’s the bag, but Kai’s already holding that. Remy exits after him.</p><p>“I have a cane,” Kai says quietly. Which okay- that was the object by the door.</p><p>“Okay,” Remy says. “Do you want to take the bus?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>Remy listens. He knows if it were him, he would just want somebody to listen.</p><p>“Okay. Where’s the Target?”</p><p>Kai takes the lead and they’re off.</p><p>The Target is massive. But also Remy’s depth perception is shit so maybe it’s that but he’s pretty sure this is the largest Target he’s ever seen. By a lot.</p><p>“Holy shit this place is huge,” Kai remarks.</p><p>Remy murmurs his agreement. He hadn’t really known what living in a college town would mean. He’s starting to think he understands.</p><p>They make a beeline for the fairy lights which take up almost an entire aisle. They mess around, pressing all the buttons to light them up and see what their options are.</p><p>“I can’t see any of these,” Remy admits after a while, “The lights in here are too bright. But brighter and bigger is better, so if you find something that-”</p><p>“Remy there’s rainbow ones. Come here, come here, they’re shaped like rainbows.”</p><p>“We’re getting those.”</p><p>“They’re not that bright.”</p><p>“I literally do not care.”</p><p>They get the rainbow-shaped ones.</p><p>They head back- both a bit too excited about the rainbow-shaped lights to be considered socially acceptable. But also fuck socially acceptable so whatever. They’re adults and they can enjoy fairy lights. Step off.</p><p>Kai and him are talking when he suddenly stops and leaves Remy’s side.</p><p>“Hi,” Kai says, “Are you moving in today too?”</p><p>“I- uh- yeah- hi,” a person stutters.</p><p>“Oh cool! I’m Kai. He/they pronouns but he right now.” The jingling noise that follows is indication that Kai holds up his pronouns necklace. “And this is my roommate.”</p><p>It takes a second to long for Remy to realize he’s supposed to introduce himself.</p><p>“I’m Remy,” he says, turning to face the stranger. “He/him.”</p><p>Something inside of him clenches hard when he says those words. Clenches hards, grips his heart, and burns. It burns so much, choking Remy that he almost misses the strangers next words.</p><p>“I’m Elliot,” the now not-stranger says, “They/them.”</p><p>“Nice to meet you Elliot,” Kai says.</p><p>They don’t get must further in conversation because another person speaks up.</p><p>“El, hon? Who’s this?”</p><p>“I’m Kai, he/they, he right now. This is Remy, he/him. We just moved in here across the hall.”</p><p>“Oh you get to do that whole move in early stuff too? You’re blind, right?”</p><p>The second question is obviously directed at Remy, so he answers both.</p><p>“Yeah and yeah.”</p><p>“Huh. Well I’m Mitchell, I’m his boyfriend.”</p><p>A boyfriend who just misgendered their partner apparently. But Elliot doesn't say anything and Remy just met them so he doesn’t say anything either.</p><p>“Uh, nice to meet you,” Remy offers. Kai offers the same pleasantries.</p><p>“Okay. Well Elliot, we should get to finish moving you in. You still have a lot of stuff and if you’re going to make me help you I don’t want to be here all day.”</p><p>“If you need to go you can,” Elliot says.</p><p>“What, you trying to get rid of me already? Plus come on, you’re not going to be able to do it all yourself. And you’re wasting time. Let’s go.”</p><p>“Okay,” Elliot says, “Yeah.”</p><p>“He’ll talk to you later,” Mitchell tells the two of them.</p><p>“I- Right,” Kai says, “Well, Elliot I- we’re just down the hall. 204. So, anytime, pop by, yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah alright I-”</p><p>“Yeah he might, bye.”</p><p>“Elliot seems nice. But Mitchell doesn’t seem like the nicest guy,” Kai comments when the other two have presumably exited earshot. Remy gives a shrug and a slight nod in response. He pulls out his key and finds the lock on their door before pushing it open with a swing.</p><p>“Fairy lights?” he asks.</p><p>“Fairy lights,” Kai agrees.</p><p>Remy still ends up not being able to see them all that well- though they were certainly better than the first set. But rainbows, so he counts it as a win.</p><p>When they’ve finished decorating their room, Remy relaxes on his bed and pulls out his phone. He plugs in his headphones and opens google. Kai had both the trans and demiboy flags. Remy wants to know what that means.</p><p>He researches a lot about being non-binary and trans and he reads a lot about the exclusionist who demand you have to be identify as binary and experience crippling gender dysphoria to be considered trans. Everyone else is just faking or special or being dramatic. He thinks of Kai and he frowns. He ignores the exclusionists.</p><p>He finds celebrations of being trans and non-binary and being happy that way. He finds non-binary people who consider themselves trans and others who don’t. He finds the range of non-binary from androgynous presentation to falling to the extreme sides of masculine or feminine. He learns that people can also be assholes about that, about how many people expect non-binary people to look “watered down male.” He learns that non-binary looks like anything and everything. He finds people who are trans that use all sorts of labels. He finds people who are trans and are binary. He finds people who are trans with all levels of fluctuating dysphoria, stages of transition- including not transitioning at all, and more.</p><p>He learns that there’s so many more ways to be trans than he previously thought.</p><p>He hates it.</p><p>He hates it because it means something to him, means something to him more than just being an ally.</p><p>The transgender umbrella is amazing and beautiful and there’s so many people who have so many experiences, some they share, some they don’t. It’s a wonderful community and it’s gorgeous and Remy-</p><p>He’s angry.</p><p>He’s so fucking angry. Because he’s <em>Remy</em> and he’s a <em>boy</em> and he’s eighteen and he’s lived this way his <em>entire life</em> and this is <em>who he is</em> he’s Remy and he’s a <em>cis guy</em> and-</p><p>And what if he isn’t?</p><p>He squeezes his phone tightly in his hand. Hard enough apparently that Kai asks if anything’s wrong. He starts to answer no when he gets a phone call. From his dad.</p><p>He hits ignore angrily and stands up, shoving his phone in his pocket.</p><p>“I’m going for a walk,” he announces, and barely takes the time to grab his shoes before he’s slamming the door behind him. He doesn’t even bother with Cha-Cha, grabbing his cane instead.</p><hr/><p>That first week goes fast and soon enough everyone else moves in. They meet a few people, and start talking to Elliot. When Mitchell’s not around Elliot’s really funny. When Mitchell is around they short of shut down and Remy hates it. A little fire burns in his chest each time it happens.</p><p>They go to the freshman movie night and both Elliot and Kai are already learning to give a shitty description of what’s going on on screen and they all laugh and the people next to them hiss at them to be quiet. It’s okay. It’s nice.</p><p>Before long, classes start and Remy remembers how frustrating it can all be.</p><p>He’s been working with disability services since he committed to the school. Over the years he’s learned that early is almost always better, because everything just takes time and then there’s issues and delays, it’s a long process.</p><p>It’s also Remy’s first time doing this alone and he makes mistakes and he feels like an idiot and he can’t help but hate his dad a little bit because he’s been asking to do some of this himself for years now, to get used to it, get some practice. His dad had always refused and now Remy is woefully underprepared.</p><p>It reminds himself of when he was first going blind. When everything was new and confusing and he constantly felt lost and alone.</p><p>It’s been <em>years</em> since he felt like that.</p><p>He doesn’t like feeling like that.</p><p>He figures the accommodations out in the end and gets the things he needs to set up. Note taker, permission to record, extra time, accessibility devices approved, and requests to all his professors to have things ready and accessible. It should all be good to go. But, there’s of course hiccups because there always is. And a week into school, he still doesn’t have notes from one of his classes.</p><p>It’s absolutely infuriating.</p><p>Because now he has a paper to write and he has to listen to the entirety of three separate lectures to find the things he needs.</p><p>It sucks and it’s unfair and time consuming and Remy hates it. He clenches a fist as he pauses the recording and goes back once more.</p><p>It’s something so small but it makes him so goddamn frustrated.</p><p>He plays it again but he can’t hear it this time because at that exact moment Kai laughs from his corner of the room where he’s skyping his girlfriend.</p><p>He pauses the recording.</p><p>“Can you be quieter?” he hisses out, “I’m trying to write a paper.”</p><p>“Yeah. Sorry Rem. Want me to put in headphones?”</p><p>It’s a nice offer.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Okay,” Kai agrees. He gasps a bit when he stands, pauses for a moment. Remy doesn’t restart his recording and listens, slightly concerned. But Kai moves after a moment, grabbing his headphones from the desk next to Remy. He’s limping slightly.</p><p>When he returns to his bed and has the headphones in, Remy takes a breath and presses play.</p><p>And pauses a moment later because Kai’s a bit too loud again. It’s unfair- Remy <em>knows</em> it is- because Kai’s really not that loud. But it’s loud enough to be distracting and Remy cannot deal with this tonight.</p><p>“Can you shut up?” he snaps.</p><p>“...I ...Uh?”</p><p>Remy is so angry.</p><p>“Whatever. Forget it,” he huffs. He saves his work and shuts his laptop with a snap. He shoves it, his braille display, and the recorder in his bag. He grabs his phone and shoves it in his pocket. Grabbing his bag he heads for the door. He barely spends the time to get Cha-Cha in her harness.</p><p>“Remy- come on- wait-”</p><p>“I’m going out,” he hisses. The door slams behind him. It seems to be doing that a lot lately.</p><p>“Oh hey Remy,” Elliot says almost the moment he’s out the door.</p><p>“I’m going to the library,” Remy grumbles and moves past them.</p><p>“Okay,” Elliot says, running a few paces to catch up with him, “Can I join you? I have this thing for religions and-”</p><p>“No. You can’t join me,” Remy snarls, and pulls away.</p><p>Elliot stops, stumbling for words behind him. Remy leaves them behind. He doesn’t feel bad. He doesn’t.</p><p>He goes to the library and finds a corner that’s empty. He sets his things up and tries to focus.</p><p>He still can’t.</p><p>He had to keep rewinding and replaying the lecture because he still doesn’t have the notes even though he was told he’d start receiving them a week ago. He checked again the other day and he was told he’d definitely have them by today.</p><p>He doesn’t have the notes.</p><p>He doesn’t know what to do.</p><p>He’s mad and he’s angry and he’s frustrated and he’s so pissed and he thinks it’s a bit extreme but definitely not unreasonable. He hates this. Hates it.</p><p>He used to hate being blind. Over the years he’s learned that’s not the part that frustrates him. It was scary at the time, sure. But losing his sight wasn't the upsetting part- the upsetting part was being in a world who wasn’t willing to meet his needs. A world that was certainly able to meet his needs, or attempt to if they really couldn’t, but wasn’t willing to even try.</p><p>It’s ableism that he hates, not being blind.</p><p>With a sigh he packs up his things. He’s not getting anything else done tonight. He pulls out his phone and messes around with it a bit, trying to ward off the creeping frustrations that are starting to overwhelm him. He feels choked up and he’s not sure why.</p><p>Then he gets a call.</p><p>For a millisecond he thinks it might be Kai.</p><p>God he was a dick to Kai wasn’t he? If Kai’s calling him Remy can apologize. He can make things right and things will be fine. It’s fine.</p><p>It’s his dad.</p><p>Remy chucks his phone.</p><p>It’s extreme and so fucking stupid but he’s suddenly furious and he doesn’t know what to do about it. His phone goes skittering across the floor and the two people quietly murmuring near him fall silent. Remy sighs and hates himself a little bit.</p><p>He takes a breath.</p><p>It doesn't help.</p><p>He takes another.</p><p>It doesn’t help. Nothing’s helping.</p><p>He has Cha-Cha get his phone.</p><p>When she brings it back to him he checks it for cracks and then goes to his contacts. He finds the one he needs and double taps to call.</p><p>The phone rings twice before it’s answered.</p><p>“Hey,” Remy saus, “I- can I spend the night at your place?”</p><p>“Yes,” is Virgil’s immediate response, “Are you safe? Do you want a ride? I’m not home right now but I can text Patton.”</p><p>Remy checks the time. It’s not too late. The cool air will probably do him good anyways.</p><p>“I’m safe,” he confirms, “No to the ride. I’ll be there soon.”</p><p>“Okay,” Virgil says. He pauses, “Love you Remy.”</p><p>Something burns in his throat.</p><p>“Okay. Okay yeah,” Remy chokes out. He hangs up and blinks back tears, refusing to cry. He wants to scream. He doesn’t- everything’s just so much right now and he doesn’t know what he’s feeling anymore.</p><p>He packs his things up. Grabs Cha-Cha. Heads to Virgil’s apartment.</p><p>On his way there a random person grabs him by his shoulder and asks him if he needs help. He grits out a terse “no.” He gets a “well you don’t have to be rude about it. I was trying to help!” Remy’s teeth grit further, making an odd little screeching noise and causing pain to run all throughout his mouth. He doesn’t risk saying anything more, and just pushes past the stranger.</p><p>He knocks on the door when he arrives. He still has a key, but doesn’t really feel like digging through his bag.</p><p>It’s Patton who greets him.</p><p>Remy shuffles off his shoes at the door, mind blurring. He hears Patton say something about Virgil and the library, he should've texted you- but Remy misses all the details.</p><p>“Hey Remy, are you okay?”</p><p>Remy is not.</p><p>He’s going to tell Patton he’s fine. He is. He <em>promises</em> he is.</p><p>He doesn’t end up saying that, but even he isn’t expecting what he says next.</p><p>“Patton, how did you know you were trans?”</p><p>“Oh,” Patton says, “Oh.”</p><p>And <em>that’s</em> when Remy finally bursts into tears.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><strong>TW: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</strong> (Remy lashes out at others and himself with angry to an extreme degree),<strong> Verbal Fights</strong> (Remy yells at Kai and lashes out at Elliot), <strong>Misgendering</strong> (Mitchell misgenders Elliot),<strong> Exclusionary Rhetoric (mentioned)</strong> (Remy reads about trans exclusionary rhetoric where exclusionists insist that you have to be binary trans, experience intense dysphoria, and want to transition to be trans. Remy in no way supports this), <strong>Ableism</strong> (a person randomly grabs Remy while he’s walking in order to “help” him even though Remy gives no indication of needing help. Disability services also fail to meet Remy’s needs in a timely matter)</p><p>My tumblr is <a href="https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/">thechildoflightning</a>. Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this series.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Bargaining</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Stage Three: Bargaining- Characterized by making internal and external deals in order to cope with or even attempt to fix a loss.</p><p>In which Remy is talking, but not nearly enough.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <strong>TW: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Suicide &amp; Rape &amp; Hate Crimes (all mentioned), Transphobia &amp; Racism &amp; Fatphobia &amp; Ableism (all mentioned)</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>In Depth TW in End Notes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone claims, direct and to the point. Remy knows it’s from his dad, he’s the only one leaving Remy voicemails. He puts his finger to the screen, sliding it around as he searches for the desired section.</p><p>“Voicemail.”</p><p>One finger down.</p><p>“Daniel Zurko. M-”</p><p>Double tap.</p><p>“Look Remy, I get that you’re not happy. I know how much going to university meant to you. I get that, okay? But it just isn’t realistic and you need to accept that. I- look why don’t you come home? The college in town is great, maybe you can take a few courses there. I think it’s too late to sign up for this semester but maybe you can start in the spring. I know they don’t have some of the sculpture classes you were interested in but they have some creative writing courses and that’s pretty much the same thing, right? Just… Please call me. We can work something out together.”</p>
<hr/><p>A little while later, Remy and Patton settle in the living room. Patton sits on the couch and Remy’s a few feet away on the floor, hugging his dog as he slowly stops sniffling. Cha-Cha helps him out, covering his face in kisses to get rid of the tears. Remy laughs little and pushes her away after a moment.</p><p>The small chuckles ring out as the only noise in the room.</p><p>Patton still doesn’t speak.</p><p>Remy quickly falls silent.</p><p>“I came out as trans when I was fourteen,” Patton eventually says, “But- I- I mean I don’t- there wasn’t one moment for me. I- <em>gosh</em> I debated it for <em>forever</em>.”</p><p>Patton stops and Remy considers. Remy’s kind of surprised in all honesty. Patton has always seemed so sure of himself that it surprises Remy that Patton ever had any sort of doubt.</p><p>“Why- why’d it take so long?” Remy asks carefully.</p><p>Patton hums.</p><p>“I guess- I was scared. That was definitely a big piece. There was this huge fear of what it would mean for my life if I was trans. Everything would change.”</p><p>Remy swallows hard.</p><p>“I was- I didn’t know what my family would think. I mean- I knew they were supportive but it’s different when it’s your kid, y’know? And there’s all the statistics of suicide attempts, rape numbers, hate crimes, it was a lot.</p><p>“And I- I was also scared I was wrong? Because- because there’s this idea of what a black girl’s supposed to be like, y’know? And I had never been that. But I thought- I thought maybe it was just that? Maybe I wasn’t trans, maybe I was just pissed at the racist standards that follow black girls? And I hated my body but like- how much of that was trans versus being disabled? Versus being fat? So there were all these reasons that screamed at me that I was faking, that I wasn’t valid, that I could never be trans. It was scary because what if I was wrong, what if I was faking?”</p><p>Remy’s so scared of being wrong.</p><p>“If you were so scared of being wrong- how did you figure out that you were right?”</p><p>“I kept coming back to it,” Patton answered honestly, “And I thought- gosh if I keep having these excuses of why I’m not trans but I still end up here again and again and <em>again</em>, questioning my gender and so unhappy, then it’s gotta be true, right?”</p><p>Remy thinks she understands.</p><p>“And that was it at first, it still is,” Patton continues, “A big part of it now is trusting myself. I’m happy as a guy. It feels right. It is right. I’ve <em>always</em> been a guy. But there’s still doubts, and I guess I deal with those with just accepting them? Because maybe I am faking. Like- maybe. I mean I <em>know</em> I’m trans, but I think I’m always going to have that doubt. And if I’m always going to have that doubt, I’m going to live the way that makes me happy in the meantime. Does that make any sense?</p><p>“Yes,” Remy says, and she means it. “Yes. Yes. It does.”</p><p>Patton offers a small hum.</p><p>“Patton,” Remy says, and she's desperate now, oh so desperate. “Patton,” she insists. “Patton, I’m a girl.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Remy cries for the second time that night.</p><p>Patton offers a hug, and Remy shakily gets to her feet to collapse into his side. Patton wraps her up firm and tight and he listens to her. He listens and he hugs and he soothes.</p><p>It’s so nice.</p><p>Her mom never did this for her. She got so sick so fast that it had always been Remy comforting her than the other way around.</p><p>Her dad had, or he tried at least. He had wrapped Remy up, wrapped her up in layers and layers of bubble wrap, leading to suffocation instead of protection. Remy’s dad hugged her but it had always felt wrong. It always felt like it was about her dad, never actually about herself. His hugs were given as proof that Remy needed him, needed his suffocation, versus providing any actual care or comfort.</p><p>Remy hated that she almost missed them.</p><p>She curled into Patton a bit more. Patton lifted one hand to gently stroke her hair, soft ‘it's okay, it’s all going to be okay’ on repeat.</p><p>It takes her longer to stop crying this time.</p><p>“So,” Patton says, “Where do you want to go with this?”</p><p>“I’m a girl,” Remy says again. This time it's a bit stronger. “I’m a trans woman.”</p><p>“Okay. Absolutely,” Patton says, “That’s amazing and I’m so happy for you.”</p><p>There’s a pause.</p><p>“Can I ask about names and pronouns?” Patton prods gently.</p><p>“I… Uh,” Remy falters, because she hasn’t really thought this far yet.</p><p>“You can take all the time you need,” Patton adds, gentle and sweet, “And while I want you to feel like you can share this with me, you don’t have to either.”</p><p>“No- I- She. She/her. I- Feminine language too? Is that the word for that? I-” Remy pauses here. She tenses up, prepares for a fight. She doesn’t think Patton’s going to like what she has to say next, but she has to say it because it feels right. It feels so right, and she’s willing to defend it. “I’m keeping Remy. My name is still Remy.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Remy’s body relaxes, then tenses again.</p><p>“Okay?”</p><p>“Of course Remy, whatever you’re feeling is valid. One hundred percent. I’m here to support you.”</p><p>“I- I just kept my name?”</p><p>“Well you can always change it later-” Patton admits. Remy winces. “Or you can keep it. It’s <em>your</em> name. All that matters is that <em>you’re</em> happy with it.”</p><p>“But-” Remy flounders. And it’s so stupid, Patton said it’s fine, why is Remy looking for a fight, “But?”</p><p>“Did you know my name is legally Patton Agnes Wilson?” Patton says abruptly.</p><p>Remy did not. She shakes her head slightly.</p><p>“Yeah I-” Patton continues, before stopping suddenly, “And I just pulled out my ID to show you. Putting that away now.”</p><p>Remy lets out a light laugh, and truly relaxes.</p><p>“Yeah. When my moms adopted me they gave me the first name Agnes, but I always went by my middle name- my deadname. My deadname hurt. A lot. So I chose Patton. But Agnes, Agnes meant something to me? And I didn’t want to lose that. So I made it my middle name, got rid of my deadname and made Patton my first,” Patton explains. He pauses once more, “Did I say that right?”</p><p>He seems to be questioning himself more than Remy. He starts to mutter the sentence under his breath again, revising it.</p><p>“Yeah you said that right,” Remy confirms.</p><p>Patton laughs, and it sounds like bells.</p><p>“Okay. Good. But my point is- your name is your name, not anyone else's.”</p><p>“My mom named me Remy,” she admits, “I- my middle name is Alan. After my great-grandfather. That can go,” she insists, making a face.</p><p>“I can understand that,” Patton says wryly.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Have you come out to anyone else yet?”</p><p>“No,” Remy sais, “No. No I don't think I was even out to myself. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”</p><p>Remy and Patton haven’t talked a lot. She knows that this conversation has to be painfully uncomfortable for Patton. After all, Remy did just show up at his house, live with him for a few months, leave for college, and then demand he share about being trans. Patton doesn’t even know her.</p><p>“I’m glad you did. I’m really glad I could help you with this.”</p><p>Patton’s such a good person. Remy’s so appreciative of that.</p><p>The door opens and seconds later there's excited skittering paws on the floor as Trixie races over to say hi to Cha-Cha. Cha-Cha perks up at the attention and they quickly begin to play with one another. Remy smiles at their energy and let’s them be.</p><p>“Remy?” Virgil asks, “Are you okay?”</p><p>She wants to say she’s fine, but maybe, well maybe she isn’t. She isn’t fine at all. She doesn’t know what to say.</p><p>(She thinks maybe she should tell Virgil she’s a girl. She did just figure it out, but it’s important. Virgil would understand. He would. But there’s something that tells Remy that she can’t. Not yet).</p><p>“I- I dunno? I’m upset,” she admits.</p><p>“About?”</p><p>“Kind of everything?”</p><p>“Do you want to talk?”</p><p>“I- me and Pat were talking a bit?”</p><p>Virgil pauses then stands.</p><p>“Okay. I’ll let you be then. But if you need to talk- I’m here okay? You have people supporting you.”</p><p>Remy nods, because she doesn’t think she can force words around the choked feeling in her chest.</p><p>Virgil leaves.</p><p>“I don’t want to tell Virgil yet,” Remy says immediately after he leaves, “Or Logan. Or Roman. Or anyone. I told you, just don’t tell anyone else yet, please.”</p><p>“That you’re trans?”</p><p>Remy’s trans. She’s trans. It feels so freeing even as it terrifies her.</p><p>“Yeah,” Remy confirms, “I don’t think I’m ready for that.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s fine. It’s yours to share.”</p><p>A pause sits between them.</p><p>“Can I write this down?” Patton asks for a moment, “I write down important stuff to remember in my phone so when I forget I have it all. I wanted to ask because while my boyfriends would never read my notes unless I told them it was okay, it’s obviously still going to be out there in some way. But I want to write it down because there’s a very high chance I will forget.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s okay,” Remy agrees.</p><p>“Thank you,” Patton says. He presumably pulls out his phone to do exactly that. “It’s getting late and I have a class at nine tomorrow. Did you want to talk more or…?”</p><p>“No, no, you can go to bed,” Remy insists, “I’m good, yeah. I'm just going to go middle name searching now. Uh how the hell do I even go about that choosing a new name?”</p><p>“Baby websites. They were created for expecting parents, trans people, and authors.”</p><p>Remy rolls her eyes at the comment.</p><p>She then groans. Like yeah, she wants to find a better middle name than Alan. But she does not want to be searching through millions of names to find the right one. How do parents do this?</p><p>“That’s gonna be so many names. Have any suggestions?”</p><p>Patton hesitates.</p><p>“Yeah?” Remy asks</p><p>“I- well. If you want… Eileen was my deadname. But if you want you can use that?”</p><p>Patton’s words are casual but Remy can feel the weight behind them, the power. Remy is absolutely floored by the offer.</p><p>“I… really?” she asks.</p><p>“I mean if you want. It’s an idea. There’s a lot of names out there.”</p><p>“But you would be okay with that?” Remy confirms, because she is honored but she doesn’t want to take something that will make Patton uncomfortable.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, “I mean it’s not like I’m using it.”</p><p>“Remy Eileen Zurko,” she says, “Remy Eileen Zurko.” She smiles and knows she must look like an idiot.</p><p>“Yeah?” Patton asks.</p><p>“Yeah,” Remy chokes out, “Yeah I love it.”</p><p>They sit in silence for a moment.</p><p>“Okay, I’m headed to bed.” Patton says, “Uh, the bedroom you stayed in is still empty. Extra towels are under the sink… I think. If you want to shower or anything.”</p><p>Remy gives a nod and Patton gets up to leave. Before he can fully exit, Remy calls out once more.</p><p>“Patton?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>Remy’s not quite sure what she’s thanking Patton for in particular. Maybe the name. Maybe for the advice. Maybe for listening. Maybe for the entire conversation in general. Maybe just for being here.</p><p>But Remy is. Thankful that is. She’s so thankful.</p><p>“Of course. Really.”</p><p>Patton means it. Remy knows he does. It makes everything inside of her hurt.</p><p>When Patton really is gone, Remy gets up from the couch as well and makes it to the empty bedroom. She closes the door softly behind her and pulls out her phone, opening Kai’s contact. She has some apologizing to do.</p>
<hr/><p>“We’re going for a walk,” Logan announces, as he enters the doorway to the room Remy’s staying with. He blocks a fair amount of light, and Remy’s eyes struggle to adjust.</p><p>“Uh… I was actually about to leave. Maybe another time,” Remy bargains, because she was about to leave. Plus she thinks she might know where this conversation is going and she really doesn’t want to have it.</p><p>“Okay,” Logan says, and Remy thinks she’s won. “Then I’ll walk with you back to your dorm.” Nope, Remy’s trapped.</p><p>Remy doesn’t have any actual reason to refuse. So she accepts with a sigh and nods. She grabs her bag and heads for the door. At the door, she gets Cha-Cha in her harness and quickly steps outside, Logan trailing behind her.</p><p>The minute she steps outside she’s hit with blinding light and takes a step backward into Logan as she squeezes her eyes shut.</p><p>“Remy?” Logan asks.</p><p>She ignores him for a minute, fumbling through her bag for her familiar sunglasses. Which she of course doesn’t have. Because she came here when it was dark out last night with a rushed back of minimal school supplies. Of course.</p><p>“Logan, do you have any sunglasses I can borrow?” she asks.</p><p>“Yes,” he answers, “One moment.”</p><p>He’s gone the next seconds and Remy keeps her eyes shut and sits down on ground, lying her head in her arms as she hopes for it to stop pounding.</p><p>“Hey,” Logan says, rejoining her. He sits down next to her. “Here.”</p><p>Remy holds out her hand and Logan hands her a pair of sunglasses. She takes a minute, letting the shooting pain in her head relax a bit. After that, she lifts her head and slips the sunglasses on, slowly opening her eyes.</p><p>“You okay?” Logan asks.</p><p>There’s still bright spots in her vision and her head hurts, but both are fading. Her eyes also struggle to adjust to the change in light, but that’s nothing new.</p><p>“Yeah,” Remy says. She waits another minute for the panging in her head to die to a dull ache.<br/>
She then stands. “Dorm?”</p><p>“Okay,” Logan says, “Do you want me to guide or Cha-Cha?”</p><p>Remy answers by grabbing his upper arm right above his elbow. They start walking, Logan guiding.</p><p>Logan makes a clicking noise as they make their way to Remy’s dorm. Remy just zones out and starts to think about how she’s going to apologize to Kai and Elliot in person. She texted them both last night, but Remy still knows they both deserve in-person apologies. She shouldn't have snapped at them.</p><p>Eventually Logan stops the clicking noise and reaches up to pat at his chest instead. He hesitates for a brief moment and then begins to talk.</p><p>“I’m worried about you,” he begins.</p><p>Remy just waits. She doesn’t want to have this conversation. But maybe if she listens- or pretends to at least- maybe Logan will voice his concerns and let her go.</p><p>“You are of course welcome to stay with us whenever you want. That isn’t what this is about and I want to make that clear. You always have a place here, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Remy says.</p><p>“Virgil doesn’t want to talk to you about this,” Logan confesses, “He thinks we should give you space.”</p><p>That means Logan disagrees. Remy wishes he’d just follow in Virgil’s example. It’s easier that way.</p><p>“I’m also not going to ask about last night. I don’t know exactly what happened, but Patton expressed that it wasn’t- that it was different.”</p><p>“Different than what?” Remy can’t help but ask. She regrets it at once.</p><p>“Different than what I’m worried about. Or maybe part of it? Playing a role? But not the main idea.”</p><p>Remy stays quiet this time.</p><p>“You don’t seem happy,” Logan admits after a moment, “I thought things would maybe get better when you were away from your dad for a little bit. And in a sense I think you are doing better. But you aren’t doing… You still seem off. Not only unhappy, but… You seem detached? I’m not sure if that’s the right word, but it concerns me.”</p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p>She isn’t. She knows she isn’t now, but for some reason she’s still unwilling to share that with Logan.</p><p>“You keep saying that but I don’t believe you.”</p><p>“You’re saying I’m lying?” Remy can’t help but challenge. It’s not fair of her, but she doesn't want to be having this conversation.</p><p>“No,” Logan says, “I’m not sure why you keep saying you’re fine. Maybe you think it yourself. Maybe I’m wrong. Or maybe you are lying. I don’t know. Regardless, I’m concerned about you.”</p><p>“Okay,” Remy says. She knows that’s not the answer that Logan’s looking for, and maybe that’s a bit mean, answering in a way she knows Logan doesn’t want, but this is also Remy’s business so Logan can budge off.</p><p>Logan sits with that answer for a minute.</p><p>“I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me,” Logan says eventually.</p><p>“There’s nothing to talk about.”</p><p>“I doubt that.”</p><p>“I talked to Patton.”</p><p>“Apparently not about the things I’m concerned about.”</p><p>Remy shrugs.</p><p>“I’m frustrated,” Logan says, “I don’t feel acknowledged in this conversation.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Remy replies, “That wasn’t my point. I get that you’re concerned about me. I hear that. I don’t agree with the concern, but I hear that you are.”</p><p>“Okay. Thank you. I want you to talk to me, but I don’t think you’re going to do that.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m not,” Remy says.</p><p>Logan and her used to be so close. Why was that all crumbling apart?</p><p>“Okay,” Logan said, “That’s one of the many things that’s concerning me.”</p><p>Remy doesn’t reply.</p><p>“Remy, will you talk to someone?”</p><p>“I-”</p><p>“I mean, it doesn’t have to be me. It doesn’t have to be about the things I’m concerned about. I’m worried that you don’t have anyone you’re talking emotionally with in any scheme. Considering you’ve been through some deep emotional shocks lately, it concerns me that you seem to have no healthy outlets for talking about those things.”</p><p>“Uh huh.”</p><p>“Remy, I hope you talk to someone.”</p><p>For most of this conversation, Remy’s been numb. But there, for just a moment, she feels something.</p><p>“Okay. I’ll think about it.”</p><p>Remy’s not going to, but she knows that saying she might will make Logan happy. It’s a tradeoff, lying to get Logan off her back. She hates that she doesn’t.</p><p>“Alright,” Logan says, and stops, “We’re at the front entrance to your dorm. About thirty feet to the front door, straight ahead. I’m headed to class. Call, text, or visit anytime.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“Can I give you a hug?”</p><p>“No thanks.”</p><p>Remy doesn’t really feel up for it, and she knows Logan won’t be offended. She offers a handshake instead which is weird and doesn’t feel right for this conversation or their relationship, but Remy wants to provide something here. Logan accepts it. It’s awkward.</p><p>“Alright. Bye,” Logan says when their hands drop.</p><p>“Bye.”</p><p>Logan leaves, and Remy goes back to her dorm.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><strong>In Depth TW: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</strong> (Remy refuses to talk about issues and tries to find work arounds to an extreme degree), <strong>Suicide &amp; Rape &amp; Hate Crimes (all mentioned)</strong> (Patton comments on these alarming statistics surrounding trans individuals), <strong>Transphobia &amp; Racism &amp; Fatphobia &amp; Ableism (all mentioned)</strong> (Patton brings up these topics as part of his own journey of coming out as trans. He mentions the racism black women face, the hate he’s faced for being fat, and the internal ableism he’s battled with- all in terms of how he feels about his own body and identity)</p><p>My tumblr is <a href="https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/">thechildoflightning</a>. Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this series.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Depression</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Stage Four: Depression- Characterized by intense sadness at the realization that the loss that has occurred is permanent.</p><p>In which Remy is drowning in sadness.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <strong>TW:Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Family Relationships, Intense Sadness, Loss of Appetite, Food Mention</strong>
</p><p>In Depth TW in End Notes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, strangely subdued. Remy doesn’t even pause to wonder who it’s from. She puts her finger to the screen, sliding it around as she searches for the desired section.</p><p>“Voicemail.”</p><p>One finger down.</p><p>“Daniel Zurko. M-”</p><p>Double tap.</p><p>“I’m- Remy. I miss you. I worry. I don’t- you won’t even answer my calls, I don’t know how you are, I… Remy I just miss you so much. Please, call. If just to let me know you’re okay. Please. Don’t keep doing this to me Remy.”</p>
<hr/><p>Remy doesn’t see Kai or Elliot until dinner. They meet up in the dining hall and find three open spaces. It’s pretty packed, so Cha-Cha slides into a tuck under her feet.</p><p>They eat in silence for awhile, the atmosphere obviously a bit tense.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Remy says at last, “It wasn’t fair of me to snap at either of you. Kai, you were just trying to be helpful, Elliot you had no idea anything was even going on. I shouldn’t have done that. I was angry about some stuff, and I shouldn’t have taken that out on you two.”</p><p>“Okay thanks,” Elliot says.</p><p>“Forgiven,” Kai agrees.</p><p>Remy nods.</p><p>“And, Remy?” Elliot asks. Their voice sounds anxious, but doesn’t waver. Remy can’t help but feel that whatever they’re about to say is going to be incredibly important.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“You don’t- if you want- you know you can talk to us, right?”</p><p>It’s such a simple sentence, but it carries a ton of weight behind it. It means that Remy has people supporting her, people on her side. She has these systems around her to help her out. She just has to accept that help, that support.</p><p>“Yeah, I know,” she mutters.</p><p>Does she?</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“Are we still planning on creating Dungeons and Dragons characters tonight?” Kai asks after a moment, “And then actually getting moving on starting a campaign.”</p><p>“I- I think Mitchell wanted to do something tonight?” Elliot voices before Remuy gets a chance to confirm.</p><p>“Aww that’s three times in a row now, Elliot,” Kai points out.</p><p>“I can tell him no- I don’t have to-”</p><p>“No, no,” Kai insists, “If you have plans with your boyfriend that’s okay, that’s alright. You don’t have to feel bad for wanting to spend time with your boyfriend. We can totally work something else out.”</p><p>Elliot lets out a tiny sigh and it sounds wrong. Remy doesn’t like it. Remy’s slowing getting to know Elliot on a deeper level, to understand them. She knows they can get anxious about small things, and maybe it’s a sigh of relief.</p><p>But it doesn’t sound like one.</p><p>“Elliot?” Remy asks.</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>“Do you <em>want</em> to spend time with Mitchell?”</p><p>“Of course I do!” they insist, “Mitchel’s my boyfriend. It’s- he doesn’t deserve to be ignored.”</p><p>“I mean I don’t think spending one night with your friends would be considered ‘ignored,’” Kai comments, “But it’s not my relationship. So… as long as you're happy.”</p><p>Is Elliot happy?</p><p>“Yeah,” Elliot says. They hesitate. “This Thursday, okay? Thursday, DnD characters. I’ll be there. Promise.”</p><p>“Awesome!” Kai cheers. Remy can’t help but agree with the sentiment.</p>
<hr/><p>Thursday has the three of them Kai’s bed in their and Remy’s dorm. Kai’s laptop is in their lap and Cha-Cha has ditched Remy to curl into Elliot’s side. Elliot’s much to happy about this, sweet talking her and giving her all sorts of attention and pets.</p><p>Remy’s friends give Cha-Cha too much love and attention. They haven’t spent years with her, they don’t understand how terrible she can be. For example, her horrible sock stealing habit. Okay, Kai knows about that, but they forgive Cha-Cha way too easily. Remy’s just waiting until they start having to replace pairs again and again. <em>Then</em> Kai will understand how truly evil she can be.</p><p>“Okay, so with DnD we generally start with race and class.”</p><p>“Race: white and Roma, class: upper middle,” Remy responds.</p><p>“I… literally cannot tell if you are joking or not.”</p><p>“I am. A friend played. I know like, basic basics.”</p><p>Remy still hasn’t talked to any of her friends back home. She winces internally and pushes that away. She’ll get to it eventually, just… later.</p><p>“All I know comes from <em>Stranger Things</em>,” Elliot admits, which is a great distraction from Remy’s thoughts. It causes Kai to sigh loudly at how inept they are.</p><p>“Right. Okay. We have a lot of work to do.”</p><p>Kai starts explaining the game and how it works and quickly moves onto characters. They’re telling them about stats when Remy interrupts.</p><p>“I still don’t get why I can’t just take everything and put it into charisma and have everything else be zeros,” she says.</p><p>“Because that isn’t how you play the game,” Kai says, “Next question. Yes Elliot. And you don’t need to raise your hand.”</p><p>“You should let Remy put everything into charisma and have everything else be zeros.”</p><p>Remy points to Elliot in agreement. It’s good to know that they have her back in Remy’s quest to completely annoy Kai.</p><p>“That’s not a question.”</p><p>“Can you please let him put everything into charisma and have everything else be zeros?”</p><p>Something twists inside Remy when Elliot uses he/him for him. It’s not Elliot’s fault, Remy knows it’s not. She doesn’t blame them. Remy has’t told either of them yet. She wants to… but it’s hard. She doesn’t quite know how. She hasn’t told anyone besides Patton yet, and she doesn’t know how to start.</p><p>“No. Stop asking me that,” Kai groans, “You can’t- no. Maybe if you had more experience I’d let you have more skewed stats, but either way you still can’t have anything that high. But considering you’re both beginners, we're going to start with fairly balanced stats.”</p><p>“Can I at least have Cha-Cha?”</p><p>“Let Remy have Cha-Cha, Kai, don’t be mean.”</p><p>“I- there’s rules for pets- Okay are you blind?”</p><p>“Actually no, I’m not blind, I’ve been lying to you both this entire time. I just wanted to bring my dog to college and thought ‘hey yeah, this’ll work,’” Remy jokes. Elliot laughs at that while Kai just sighs even louder.</p><p>“In the <em>game</em>, Remy, in the <em>game</em>. Are you blind?”</p><p>“I can not be blind?”</p><p>“It’s a fucking game I don’t care.”</p><p>“Okay yeah sure I’m blind.”</p><p>“Then fine- fine you can have Cha-Cha as a guide dog. But she can only use commands she knows. She can’t fight and stuff.”</p><p>“What if Cha-Cha knows how to attack people?”</p><p>“Does she?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>The room falls silent.</p><p>“So that’s terrifying,” Kai says as Remy calls Cha-Cha to her.</p><p>“Cha-Cha, attack,” Remy commands when her dog is at her side. Cha-Cha responds instantly, covering Remy with kisses that are very slobbery and very gross.</p><p>“Oh my- Remy I literally thought you meant you trained Cha-Cha to attack people!” Elliot screeches.</p><p>“With kisses, attack with kisses.”</p><p>Kai groans and shoves Remy lightly, pushing her into her dog who is still trying to lick her. Remy tells her to stop, and Cha-Cha settles at her feet. Remy nudges her lightly with a foot, and Cha-Cha responds by starting to nibble on her sock, most certainly in an attempt to eventually pull it off and hoard it wherever the others are.</p><p>“Kiss attacks will not inflict damage in DnD. And speaking of DnD, let’s get back on task, yeah? Elliot, your character, what’s their name.”</p><p>“Uhhh….”</p><p>“You’ve been staring at the page for like an hour now!” Kai protests.</p><p>“There’s a lot of names to choose from! Plus I have the option to make my own so give me time. Ask Remy.”</p><p>“Remy, your character, what’s his name?”</p><p>“Her,” Remy responds on reflex, because this entire time she’s been thinking of her character as a girl. She quickly realizes her mistake.</p><p>“Shit I didn’t mean to say that,” she says at the exact same moment that Kai goes, “Okay, what’s her name?”</p><p>Fuck. Remy’s just made things worse.</p><p>“What?” Kai asks.</p><p>“What?” she responds.</p><p>“What?” Elliot joins in.</p><p>Remy groans and shoves her face in her hands. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.</p><p>“Remy? Your character can be a girl, that’s totally chill,” Kai tells her, voice carrying hesitance and amusement, “They don’t have to be the same gender as you.”</p><p>Remy groans louder.</p><p>“Fuck I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she says.</p><p>“What?” Elliot whispers again.</p><p>“I don’t know?” Kai whispers back.</p><p>“I can hear you,” Remy complains, “I’m fuckin’ blind not deaf.”</p><p>She sighs once more and pulls her head more. Rip it off like a band aid. It’ll be fine. She’s fine. She.</p><p>“I’m a woman. I’m trans. So yeah. That’s a thing. So my character is going to use she/her pronouns too. Like me.”</p><p>There’s a second of silence and Remy feels like she's about to burst. What are they thinking? Will they hate her? They wouldn’t. Right?</p><p>“Oh. Congratulations!” Elliot says, “We still love you obviously.”</p><p>That’s a relief. Remy knows they would. Of course they would. But she was still afraid.</p><p>“Yes,” Kai jumps in, “Awesome. My lovely friend is a woman, she’s awesome, all the valid. Also I have to say this is not the first time someone I know has come out during DnD so congrats, you can join the metaphorical club for that.”</p><p>Remy glows.</p><p>There’s still the nervous energy thrumming through her, because even though she knows they would be supportive this is still terrifying. Hearing them actually support her is gratifying and makes her heart soar.</p><p>“Can I ask about your name?” Elliot asks.</p><p>“Remy. Still Remy. That’s important to me. And I know that’s not traditional or-”</p><p>“That’s fine. All it needs to be is something that you’re happy with,” Kai butts in.</p><p>“It is. I am. Uh, so yeah. Remy. Middle name is Eileen. Remy Eileen.”</p><p>“That’s really pretty,” Elliot says.</p><p>“Thanks. And I’m not- or well- I think I’m sure but I’m not sure? Because I- I do feel like I’m- like I am trans. But I don’t think I get dysphoria? Or not that I’ve noticed. I mean I get social dysphoria. I did the day I met you Kai, which makes so much sense now, but I don’t think I get gender dysphoria. And I’ve been reading-”</p><p>“If you’ve been reading, you’ll know that anyone worth shit knows that you don’t have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans,” Kai insists, tone offering no room for debate.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Remy does. There's a lot of exclusionary rhetoric out there, but there’s also so much love and support. Remy’s found whole communities of people with different experiences of being trans. She knows her own experience is just as valid, it’s no less than anyone else’s.</p><p>“But it’s still hard?” Elliot offers.</p><p>“Yeah,” she admits, because it is. It’s been a relief knowing but it’s also terrifying.</p><p>Kai and Elliot both make noises of agreement and Remy feels safe. She feels loved. She feels like she’s home.</p><p>Her phone starts ringing.</p><p>It’s her dad.</p><p>She suddenly feels miserable.</p><p>It slams into her like a wave, all at once. Full force and she feels like she’s drowning. It hits so suddenly and the tide just sweeps her right off her feet leaving her floundering.</p><p>She’s loved, she’s home, she has a good life, good people around her.</p><p>And then her dad calls and he brings all the pain and misery right back up.</p><p>Remy denies the call, suddenly exhausted.</p><p>“Remy?” Elliot asks.</p><p>“Just my dad, let’s keep going.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Kai asks.</p><p>Remy’s not. She’s exhausted. She feels like she’s being weighed down, falling and unable to get up.</p><p>“Yeah,” she says, “Yeah.”</p><p>Elliot and Kai are hesitant, but they go back to conversing and trying to figure out Elliot’s character’s name. Remy just sits with them, pitching in as little as possible, mind drifting away and a heavy sadness in her heart.</p>
<hr/><p>Remy’s not doing well and she doesn’t know what to do about that, but it’s time to admit it.</p><p>She’s not doing well.</p><p>At all.</p><p>She doesn’t know what to do about it.</p><p>At all.</p><p>Because the thing is- the truth is, Remy’s been ignoring this. She’s been ignoring this and she’s been mad at her dad and she’s tried to fix it.</p><p>But she can’t. And she can’t move on either. Because Remy- Remy misses her dad.</p><p>She misses him and that’s the worst part of all of this.</p><p>Because her dad wasn’t a good dad. He made too many mistakes to excuse. He’s suffocated Remy her entire life. He’s manipulative. He took away Cha-Cha. He took away Remy’s freedom. Remy has never been to think about her own wants and needs, she’s always had to cater to her father. He had played on her love for him to keep her by his side for ages. And it worked. It had worked well.</p><p>It <em>works</em> well.</p><p>Because Remy still loves him and she wants to pick up the phone, and she knows the minute she does she’ll go running home.</p><p>Because her father will say he misses her and he loves her and he needs her without apologizing for anything. And then he’ll insist that she can’t do this on her own. He’ll wheedle and he’ll pick at her, saying how he needs her, how she needs him and then she’ll come running back like she always does.</p><p>She doesn't want to keep doing that, but it’s hard, because it’s her <em>dad</em>.</p><p>And what if this time will be different?</p><p>It won’t be. Remy <em>knows</em> it won’t. She lost that last shred of hope when she left home. It’s the reason she won’t pick up the phone, because she knows her father hasn’t changed, isn’t going to change.</p><p>She hates it.</p><p>It’s- he’s her dad. She shouldn’t be in this situation. He should love her and support her and be there for her. She shouldn’t be fielding calls and running away and struggling through her first year at college alone. This is something he should be doing with her.</p><p>Remy wants to call him, but she can’t. Not now, maybe not ever. Not until he changes. Really, truly changes.</p><p>She doesn’t know if he ever well. She sighs loudly.</p><p>“You okay?” Kai asks from where he’s sitting at his desk, playing a game on his computer.</p><p>“Fine,” Remy insists, spread eagle (or as spread eagle as she can get while being six foot and on a dorm room bed).</p><p>“You don’t seem fine,” Kai says.</p><p>“I’m just tired.”</p><p>That’s true. Remy is exhausted, but she knows that isn’t the whole truth. She doesn’t know the last time she told the whole truth.</p><p>“Oh,” Kai says.</p><p>“Yeah,” Remy agrees.</p><p>“Uh- I mean if you’re too tired we don’t have to- but I’m pretty sure they have puppies at the student center today.”</p><p>“Holy shit you’re kidding,” Remy says, sitting upright.</p><p>Kai laughs.</p><p>“Yeah I saw a sign the other day. It’s like a monthly thing? Or something.”</p><p>“We are absolutely going. What time is it?” Remy asks, as she reaches for her phone.</p><p>“12:14,” Kai answers promptly.</p><p>“Cool, cool. We’ll catch Elliot coming out of their lecture? Get lunch in the dining hall and then puppies?”</p><p>Puppies will make her feel better, right?</p><p>“Hell yeah,” Kai grins.</p><p>Hopefully puppies will make her feel better.</p><p>“Let’s go.”</p><p>If they don’t make her feel better, at least they’ll be a distraction.</p><p>“Rem?”</p><p>That’s good enough, right?</p><p>“Uh, yeah?”</p><p>“Are we going?”</p><p>“Right, right,” Remy says. She nods and stands and suddenly feels exhausted once more. The excitement of puppies has already started to fade, giving way to the overwhelming sadness that’s begun to engulf her.</p><p>“Can we take the bus?” Kai asks. He seems hesitant- presumably because it’s not that far to the dining hall. Only one stop actually. But the bus does get that one stop closer. Remy's learning that for Kai, that can be a significant difference.</p><p>“Sure,” Remy says.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“I think I’m going to leave Cha-Cha here. I think the puppies and her- I mean it’ll probably be fine but I don’t know anything about these puppies or if they won’t want Cha-Cha around them and-“ Remy shrugs, “I’m just gonna leave her here.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Remy starts looking for her cane. (She swore it was by the door)? As she does so a thought comes to mind and she significantly perks up.</p><p>“Oh- and Kai, guess what that means?”</p><p>Kai knows exactly what that means if his loud groan is anything to go by.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>She locates her cane- it was folded on her desk.</p><p>“You don’t have to guide me,” Remy says, “but it’s good practice. And like- let’s be real here. If you’re guiding I’m still going to be somewhat using my cane. I don’t trust you that much yet.”</p><p>“Yeah. You shouldn’t,” Kai supports, “I almost crashed you into a pole last time. I did have you trip on stairs.”</p><p>“There’s only four stairs from here to the dining hall, not counting the bus and I know where they are.”</p><p>“Your funeral,” Kai says, and that settles the matter.</p><p>They quickly gather their things together and head for the door.</p><p>They make quick progress to the dining hall. Kai forgets to warn her of the first set of stairs, and when Remy points that out he swears loudly. He remembers the second set. They get lunch and sit, texting Elliot when they get there.</p><p>“They/them now,” Kai says, just as Elliot sits with them.</p><p>“Okay!” Elliot says, surprisingly cheerful as Remy nods in agreement. “Awww, no Cha-Cha, Rem? I miss my favorite person.”</p><p>“First off Cha-Cha isn’t a person, she’s a dog. Second of all, glad to know I’m second to my dog.”</p><p>“Nah,” Elliot says, “You’re third. Kai’s second.”</p><p>“Obviously,” Kai agrees at the same time as Remy’s exclamation of, “Hey!”</p><p>They’re joking. Remy knows they’re joking, and it’s funny. It is.</p><p>Remy doesn’t know why she has to convince herself of that fact.</p><p>They don’t see her as last. She’s their friend. They’re equals and they get along great and things are fine. Everything’s fine.</p><p>Remy's entire world is crumbling apart.</p><p>She’s miserable.</p><p>The others don’t seem to notice her distress, which is a good sign. Remy doesn’t want them to know. She can deal with this herself.</p><p>Kai starts to explain the plan with the puppies to Elliot. They seem as equally excited about it as Remy was. Remy smiles, puts on a facade of happiness. She picks at the rest of her food, appetite now lost.</p><p>The puppies help. A bit. Remy thinks. Maybe it’s just a placebo effect. (Shouldn’t a placebo effect count still? It should, right? Any happiness is better than now, right? Is she even using the term ‘placebo effect’ correctly?)</p><p>The puppies are very cute at the very least. They clamor into her lap and their little bodies are so wiggly. Remy takes a seat on the floor and they immediately cover her. Kai and Elliot seemed equally pleased. Elliot sits next to him, cooing at the adorable little things. Kai was sitting nor far off from them, over on a bench, with a small pup in his lap. Remy assumes they’re still there.</p><p>A pup licks her face and a smile spreads across her face. Yeah, she thinks it's helping at least a little bit.</p><p>Eventually, they have to say goodbye to the puppies. None of them were pleased about that, but at least they got the experience at all. Kai splits from them to head to the library and so Remy and Elliot head back to their dorm without them.</p><p>They fall into easy and comfortable silence when Elliot asks a question that Remy does not want to answer.</p><p>“Remy- are you doing okay? You seem- I dunno- off.”</p><p>“I’m just tired,” she says, and well, it’s not a lie.</p><p>Elliot sighs.</p><p>“Are you?”</p><p>“Yes?” Remy says, not quite sure what Elliot’s asking.</p><p>“I just- I mean, I’m not saying you’re not tired. But is there a reason you’re tired? I- You’ve seemed a bit down lately, so…”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Remy insists, “I just didn’t sleep well last night.”</p><p>“Okay,” Elliot says, dropping the subject. Remys knows they don’t believe her. Which is fair- Remy wouldn't believe herself either, and Elliot’s concerns were pretty much spot on.</p><p>They walk in awkward silence the rest of the way. Elliot goes to their dorm, and Remy to hers. Even though Remy knows that the tense atmosphere is largely her doing, she can’t help but wish that someone will break it. Anyone but her. (She knows it has to be her).</p><p>Remy works a bit on a paper, but she’s too unmotivated to do much. She just keeps running her fingers over the same line of braille without editing or adding on. Eventually, she gives up and takes Cha-Cha outside. They play fetch for a while and usually it’s a fun activity but this time Remy just feels empty. She feels lonely.</p><p>She feels sad.</p><p>She finally knows why.</p><p>She misses her dad. She misses life being easy. She hates admitting that the relationship she and her dad had was this fractured.</p><p>She’s admitting it all finally. It hurts. It hurts like <em>crazy</em>.</p><p>She’s not doing anything about the overwhelming sadness. The truth is, she doesn’t really know <em>what</em> to do about it.</p><p>Remy and Cha-Cha go back inside.</p><p>Remy still can't concentrate on her paper, so she gives up once more and listens to an audiobook instead. She can’t focus and all the words blur together. She knows she’s going to have to listen to this all again the next time she plays it. She doesn’t turn it off.</p><p>Kai comes back at some point. They talk a bit. Kai takes their leg braces off and ices their knees. Remy pretends to do her homework. It’s a normal night all things considered.</p><p>Then Kai goes to bed and Remy doesn’t. Not normal, but not abnormal. The two of them tend to head to bed around the same time but not always. It's certainly not unusual.</p><p>What <em>is</em> unusual is how late Remy stays up. She always had trouble with sleep cycles and because of that, she does her best to stay consistent. But midnight approaches and passes, and then one, and then two, and then three, and then suddenly it’s four something in the morning and Remy still hasn’t slept.</p><p>Her thoughts are just too much. She’s exhausted. She’s so tired. But she can’t sleep. She can’t sleep and she’s so sad and she doesn’t know what she's doing anymore how did she think she could handle this she is <em>drowning</em> and-</p><p>And Remy sighs, makes her decision, and pulls out her phone. It’s time for a call.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><strong>TW: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</strong> (Remy refuses to reach out for support when dealing with intense sadness), <strong>Unhealthy Family Relationships</strong> (Remy acknowledges her father’s toxic traits including manipulation and taking away her service dog), <strong>Intense Sadness</strong> (Remy experiences intense levels of sadness and misery and describes these feelings in depth), <strong>Loss of Appetite</strong> (Remy comments that she loses her appetite as a symptom of her intense sadness), <strong>Food Mention</strong> (Kai, Elliot, and Remy get food in the dining hall)</p><p>My tumblr is <a href="https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/">thechildoflightning</a>. Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this series.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Acceptance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Stage Five: Acceptance- Characterized by coming to terms with the loss and understand how deeply impacting it was, allowing the space to rebuild and move forward.</p><p>In which Remy is finally moving forward.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><strong>TW: Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (mentioned), Unhealthy Family Relationships, Food Mention, PTSD, Cults</strong><br/>In Depth TW in End Notes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says calmly. It’s from her dad. She puts her finger to the screen, sliding it around as she searches for the desired section.<br/>
“Voicemail.”</p><p>One finger down.</p><p>“Daniel Zurko. M-”</p><p>Double tap.</p><p>“Okay. Okay. You win. I’ll stop calling. I thought about cancelling your phone but… Your college fund is still yours. Your phone’s still yours. Everything I pay for is still yours. Most of that is already set up so we don’t- we don’t have to talk. I get it, you don’t want to. That’s okay. I- I’ll admit I’m not happy about it. I don’t- I don’t know how we fell apart Remy. But I- that’s in the past. If you want to change meal plans or need me to pay vet bills for Cha-Cha or- or- whatever, just let me know. I get you don’t want to call. And that’s your choice. I- You can say no. But you are- you are going to have to communicate at least a little bit if you want me to pay for those things. But we don’t have to talk. Your choice either way.”</p>
<hr/><p>“Remy?” a voice picks up, and Remy almost cries in relief, “Remy, why are you calling at… 4:26 in the morning?”</p><p>Remy shudders and tries to take a deep breath, failing halfway through with a wheeze.</p><p>“Remy?”</p><p>“Virgil,” Remy chokes out. And then again, “<em>Virgil</em>.”</p><p>“Hey. Hey. I don't know what’s going on Remy, but it’s going to be okay, alright? We’re going to get through this, it’s okay. Are you safe?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she wheezes out, because she’s drowning but only metaphorically, “yeah I’m,” she wheezes, “I-” When has breathing ever been this hard? “I can’t, I can’t breathe,” she pants.</p><p>“Okay. Hey that’s okay,” Virgil responds, “Do you know why you can’t breathe?”</p><p>“I- no.”</p><p>“Okay,” Virgil says. He keeps saying that Remy realizes. Keeps saying ‘okay’ that things are going to be ‘okay.’ How is anything ‘okay?’</p><p>“Virgil?” Remy asks, because she doesn’t know what else to say. She’s not sure she has the air to say any more.</p><p>“Yeah,” Virgil replies, “Okay Rem can you follow my lead? I’m going to ask you to take a deep breath in for four seconds. You’re then going to hold it for four. Then breathe out for four. And repeat. Got it?”</p><p>“<em>Virgil</em>.”</p><p>She’s desperate now. She’s not really what for. Air probably. She can’t breathe.</p><p>“Okay. We’re going to start. Got it? In. 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold. 1-”</p><p>Remy’s trying to follow it. She breathes in with Virgil but as she holds her breath falters and stutters and then she’s wheezing again, breath coming in big gulping gasps and she still can’t get enough of it.</p><p>She can’t do this.</p><p>“I c- I can’t,” she gets out between gasps.</p><p>“Yes you can Remy. I know it’s hard. But you can. We’re going to try again. Got it?”</p><p>Remy wants to scream at Virgil. Doesn’t Virgil get it? There’s no way she can do this. It’s impossible. She can’t breathe.</p><p>“Remy. In.”</p><p>Remy listens. She sucks in a breathe.</p><p>“1, 2, 3, 4. Hold. 1, 2, 3-”</p><p>Once again, she doesn’t make it, breath wheezing out too quickly as she continues to try and take desperate gulps of air.</p><p>“Remy,” Virgil’s insisting again, before she even has time to spiral, “Again. In.”</p><p>Remy breathes in.</p><p>“Hold.”</p><p>She holds. She makes it four seconds.</p><p>“Out.”</p><p>She breathes out for the full four.</p><p>Vigil runs her through the exercise a few times, waiting until her breathing is more steady. Eventually when her breathing is deep and even, he switches to counts of 4, 7, 8 instead of 4, 4, 4. Remy recognizes the new pattern. She’s seen Virgil run through it plenty of times.</p><p>She’s seen Virgil run through this exercise.</p><p>Holy shit is that what this was? Did Remy just have a panic attack? Virgil had a lot of those. Flashbacks too. God how did he deal with that, that was <em>awful</em>.</p><p>“Virgil. Did I- was that a panic attack?” she asks, because she still isn’t quite sure. She isn’t sure she wants to know either.</p><p>“Yeah,” he answers, “Yeah it was. Never had one before?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Yeah. I- can I- do you know why you had it?”</p><p>It was time to share, wasn’t it?</p><p>“I miss my dad,” Remy admits. There’s so much more than that. But Remy doesn’t quite know how to say it, how to start. She falters. “I- Virgil, l-” she bursts into tears, starting and not stopping. Cha-Cha whines and licks at her tears.</p><p>Remy doesn’t hear Kai, so she hopes they’re still asleep. She really doesn’t want to involve them in this whole mess.</p><p>Her tears continue to fall.</p><p>“Hey, Remy can I come over?” Virgil says.</p><p>“Yes,” Remy says, because she’s drowning and she doesn’t know what to do but she knows she wants Virgil here with her. “Yes. <em>Please</em>.”</p><p>“Okay,” Virgil says, “I’m on my way, I’ll be there soon. You’re going to have to let me in, yeah? Meet me at the entrance?”</p><p>“Okay,” Remy says.</p><p>“Okay. I’m going to hang up now. Are you going to be okay for a few minutes?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Remy gets out, “Yeah I will be.”</p><p>“Okay. I love you Rem.”</p><p>Remy doesn’t get a chance to respond before Virgil hangs up.</p><p>She takes a minute to wipe away her current tears and slow down the ones still falling. She finally gets them to stop and breathes out a sigh of relief.</p><p>Virgil’s apartment is very close to campus and calming down took a bit, so she gets up to be at the door when he gets here. She shoves her sunglasses on- for protection, albeit a different type than usual- and grabs her cane. She lets Cha-Cha slip out next to her, even as she doesn’t bother putting her in her harness or leash. Remy trusts her to stay at her side, and she seems worried about her, so whatever, she can come.</p><p>Remy creeps down the hall and downstairs. She enters the main room and finds a chair, waiting for Virgil to show.</p><p>She feels exposed. She’s not sure if there’s anyone in the room with her, and it makes her uncomfortable to be unsure. She normally wouldn’t care but she knows that she must look like a mess. Not to mention how early it is. She taps her foot on the ground in a repeated pattern.</p><p>Her phone eventually buzzes with a text from Virgil and she goes to the door to let him in.</p><p>“Hey,” he says once he enters the main room.</p><p>Remy gives a small nod in return. Virgil lets out a heavy sigh.</p><p>“Can I give you a hug?” he asks.</p><p>Remy shrugs and then nods.</p><p>Virgil scoops her up, pulls her close. Remy’s taller than him by a fair bit, but she can’t help but feel protected in his arms. She almost starts crying again. She rubs pathetically at her eyes.</p><p>“We finally going to talk?” Virgil asks.</p><p>She nods once more.</p><p>“Okay. Good. Do you want to stay here, go to your room, or somewhere else?”</p><p>Remy swallows, considers. She doesn’t want to wake Kai, but she really doesn’t want people to see her falling apart like this. It’s too personal, too vulnerable.</p><p>“Do you have a preference?” she asks instead.</p><p>“Not too much,” Virgil answers, “I’d prefer that if we do go somewhere, we don’t stay outside and instead go to a physical location.”</p><p>A physical location will have people. Remy doesn’t want that. But she can also fully understand Virgil’s preference to not be outside alone at night.</p><p>“Are there people in here?” Remy asks.</p><p>“A few, yeah,” Virgil answers, “There’s someone on a computer in the corner by the long table. There’s two people studying together in the corner by the hall near the stairs.”</p><p>Remy nods, considers her options. She doesn’t want to wake Kai. But she’d rather risk that then have complete strangers watch her fall apart.</p><p>“Okay. Let’s go to my dorm.”</p><p>“Okay,” Virgil agrees, and lets her take the lead.</p><p>They make it to her dorm, Remy twisting the door open and allowing Virgil, Trixie, and then Cha-Cha to slip past her. Her dorm is really too small for three people and two large dogs, but it’ll have to do.</p><p>“I like the rainbow lights,” Virgil comments.</p><p>Remy chuckles. They were a pretty great addition to the room. It had also been one of the first things Kai and Remy did together as they became friends. The memory sits fondly in her mind.</p><p>“Yeah. They’re fun,” she remarks. Then pauses, because the main lights in the room are off. “You can see them? Are they on?”</p><p>“No they’re off, there’s just enough light from outside.”</p><p>Remy shrugs, because hell if she knows what people can and can’t see in the dark.</p><p>She sits on her bed. Virgil joins her. Trixie sticks close to his side, watching him attentively.</p><p>“So,” Virgil drawls, “You miss your dad?”</p><p>Remy nods, ashamed, and pulls her knees up tight to her chest. She feels like a little kid like this. She thinks she might cry again.</p><p>“Yeah,” she croaks, “I miss him and I don’t want to miss him. He was- I mean he loved me I know he did. And he wasn’t- I mean he wasn’t all bad? He really did care about me. But he was restrictive. He held me back, didn’t let me figure things out for myself. He micromanaged my entire life and took so many choices away from me. Virgil- Virgil he took Cha-Cha away. He took my <em>service dog</em> away Virgil. My <em>dad</em>,” Remy takes a deep breath as the memory comes flooding back. And once that first memory hits, so many more come with it. Her tone turns urgent.</p><p>“He’s- He used to lock me in my room sometimes too?” Remy admits, “When he- When I started to get frustrated that he’d never let me go outside by myself? Even after I had done all the lessons, after I had gotten good with a cane and then gotten good with Cha-Cha. God- he only let me start going places after I climbed out my window once. I don’t think I ever told you that?”</p><p>Remy knows she hasn’t told Virgil that. She hasn’t told anybody this story- half forgot it herself. But now, it all comes rushing back with vengeance.</p><p>“It was before we met,” Remy explains, “I was kind of an idiot. I tried to climb out my window on the second story of my house thinking that was a smart idea. I ended up falling- broke my arm. But I just- I couldn’t just stay at home. I couldn’t- I was suffocating and I needed to get out and Virgil I did, I finally did.”</p><p>The pain had been awful and the recovery time a bitch and as it healed her arm always itched under the cast but Remy could never find the time to be angry with herself because those brief moments of freedom were worth it.</p><p>It had to all come crashing down eventually.</p><p>“But this all sucks because I love him and I miss him and he’s my <em>dad</em>. And I know- I know he wanted the best for me. I know he loved me. He never- He never <em>tried</em> to hurt me. But he did. And I couldn’t take it anymore.”</p><p>Virgil just listens throughout Remy’s ramblings, giving small remarks of reassurance as she speaks.</p><p>“I miss him,” Remy cries, “I miss him and I hate that I do.”</p><p>She tips over collapses into Virgil’s side, burying her head in his shoulder as he gras her tight and doesn’t let go. He whispers soft reassurances in her ear, saying that he was there, that it would be okay, that it would be alright.</p><p>Remy sniffles a few more times and rubs at her eyes. She takes her sunglasses off and places them next to her on the bed.</p><p>“I have a few thoughts,” Virgil eventually says, voice careful and even, “Do you want to hear them or do you just need me to listen?”</p><p>“No- go ahead,” Remy says.</p><p>Virgil’s good at this stuff. It’s why Remy called him. Hopefully he’ll have some miraculous wisdom for her and everything will be fixed. Even so, Remy can’t help acknowledge how unlikely that is. There isn’t an easy fix to this issue.</p><p>“Okay Remy, I’m going to tell you something and it’s- It’s probably not something you’ve heard before but I’m going to need you to listen, okay.”</p><p>Remy mentally sets herself up, and gives a firm nod, ready for whatever enlightening advice to get over his father Virgil has.</p><p>“You’re allowed to miss him.”</p><p>Wait, what?</p><p>“You’re allowed to miss your dad. It’s not a bad thing you do- in fact it makes a lot of sense. Like you said, he did love you even if he made mistakes and hurt you. You were raised by him. It’s okay to miss him- hell it’s okay to still love him. And Remy- here’s the thing. The big thing. You can miss him, you can love him, and you can still hate him, and be mad at him, and you can still hurt. You can want nothing to do with him ever again and still miss him every goddamn day- do you hear me?”</p><p>Remy’s brain fumbles to keep up. This is not what she was expecting Virgil to say. She was expecting some genius advice about how to get over missing her dad, not that it’s okay to still miss him.</p><p>“I- what?”</p><p>“You can miss him. You can miss him and that doesn’t have to excuse the thing he did. Every feeling you have surrounding him, the good, the bad, the in between. All of that is okay Remy. Anything and everything you’re feeling is okay, it’s valid. Alright?”</p><p>“But I- I just- I thought you were going to tell me how to stop missing him?”</p><p>Virgil sighs.</p><p>“I’m not sure I can do that,” he admits, “I’m not sure you ever will. I think a lot of that comes with time. I- I-” Virgil takes a breath. “Trixie, cover,” he commands. Trixie jumps up, placing her front legs down on Virgil’s lap and setting her head down on him to ground him, “I still miss people from my past,” he admits, “And it’s different- it’s not the same at all. But it’s- I guess my point is that it’s okay to miss people. It’s okay to miss bad people. It’s okay to miss complicated people. It’s- those people might not be healthy for you and you shouldn’t justify the things you did, but your feeling surrounding them are valid, and it’s okay if you miss them.”</p><p>“I don’t want to miss him,” Remy admits, “I just want to- to move on with my life and forget about it.”</p><p>Virgil hesitates.</p><p>“I think part of that is- Okay well first off, that’s completely valid. It’s understandable for you to want to move on and away. And I think there’s parts of that would be good for you. But Remy- this repression thing you’re doing? It’s not going to work.”</p><p>“‘M not repressing,” Remy protests, “I’m moving on.”</p><p>Virgil waits.</p><p>“Yeah I didn’t believe that either,” Remy admits.</p><p>“At least you're admitting it, that’s the first step to acceptance,” Virgil says.</p><p>Acceptance. What a weird concept. What exactly is Remy supposed to accept?</p><p>She voices that exact question.</p><p>“Reality,” Virgil is quick to answer, “Your reality, that’s what you need to accept. And like- Remy I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. Reality acceptance is in all honesty one of the hardest things I’ve personally worked on. It isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. It’s- you learn that sometimes it’s not about moving on, but forward, and after that things sorta start to fall into place.”</p><p>Remy considers that for a moment. It leaves a sour taste in her mouth.</p><p>“How do I do that?” she asks.</p><p>Virgil sighs.</p><p>“I- That’s a good question,” he chuckles lightly and falls back on her bed, “I have a few worksheet thingies in a binder somewhere if I can find them. I can type those up and send them to you if you want. And then- I mean- reach out to people? You have us. You have me, you have Logan, you have some good friends it seems like. And I know you don’t know them as well, but I’m positive Pat and Ro would be willing to talk if you wanted to.”</p><p>Remy nods and thinks. She sighs and falls back onto the bed with Virgil.</p><p>“You could also see a therapist,” Virgil suggests.</p><p>Remy listens.</p><p>“There’s a lot of resources here on campus and I can walk you through that if you want. I personally don’t really know the exact therapy stuff they have because I needed trauma counselling I knew the school wouldn’t be able to provide. So I dunno if it’d be something you’re interested in or even something that helps. But it's an option. You have options,” Virgil explains.</p><p>“Okay,” Remy says. “Okay.”</p><p>She thinks this time she’s telling the truth.</p><p>“I- can I think about it?” she asks, because she isn’t really sure about therapy yet and all of this is a lot to consider.</p><p>“Yes,” Virgil agrees, “Yes absolutely.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>She’s exhausted. But this time instead of a depressive haze, it feels like she just ran a marathon. It’s a good exhaustion. She feels like she’s getting somewhere.</p><p>“Thanks Virgil.”</p><p>“Yeah. No problem.”</p><p>They fall asleep like that, sprawled awkwardly on Remy’s tiny bed.</p>
<hr/><p>Remy wakes up to a confused sounding, “Hello?”</p><p>“Who the eff are you talking to gurl?” Remy asks with a yawn. She opens her eyes and Kai’s sitting on their bed, backlit by the windows bright morning light.</p><p>“The new dog that randomly appeared in our dorm? Last I checked there was only one,” Kai responds.</p><p>Right. Last night was a thing.</p><p>Her eyes sting a bit. They dry out quickly to begin with and the crying last night definitely did not help. She roots through the drawer next to her bed to find the bottle of eyedrops. It only takes a minute to locate. She leans her head back, let’s the drops splash in as she answers Kai’s question.</p><p>“That’s Trixie, she bugging you?” she asks as she blinks rapidly. The liquid settles.</p><p>“Well she woke me up with kisses so I wouldn’t say she’s <em>bugging</em> me, but I mean bit of a surprise.”</p><p>“Trixie, come,” Remy calls.</p><p>Trixie walks over, collar jingling. Remy gets her to sit and gives her a few pets before letting her be.</p><p>“Sorry, she’s probably just hungry. I think Virgil feeds her earlier than I feed Cha-Cha.”</p><p>“So you just explained absolutely nothing. And who’s Virgil?”</p><p>“I’m Virgil.”</p><p>Remy jumps at the noise as Virgil sits up next to her, also yawning.</p><p>“Jesus, way to scare a guy,” Kai says. Remy privately agrees.</p><p>“Trix,” Virgil calls, and Remy realizes that Virgil’s shaking slightly. Trixie obeys, going over to Virgil. “Cover,” he commands, and she jumps up onto the bed and settles on top of him to do DPT.</p><p>“You alright?” Remy asks.</p><p>“Yeah. I just- I didn’t know where I was.”</p><p>Remy nods, offers her hand. Virgil squeezes it and takes a deep breath before letting go.</p><p>“Well, Virgil this is Kai, Kai this is Virgil. You’re both absolute assholes who are insistent on caring about me, so I think you’ll get along well.”</p><p>“Nice to meet you,” Kai greets, “I use he/they pronouns. They/them right now. Your dog has better breath than Cha-Cha, so props to you.”</p><p>Virgil laughs and Remy jumps to defend Cha-Cha (even though Kai does have a point).</p><p>“Yeah sorry, she usually eats earlier. Oh and he/him for me.”</p><p>“It’s good- I needed to get up anyways,” Kai replies. They stand and stretch. “And honestly, a dog sounds about a billion times better than an alarm clock.”</p><p>“It’s nice until the weekends,” Remy grumbles, “And then I want to sleep in and Cha-Cha’s trying to wake me up at 7 for food.”</p><p>“See this is the advantage of getting boyfriends. I can get Roman to feed her when he gets up to pray.”</p><p>“Gotta get me one of those,” Remy agrees. She wipes a hand over her face, still feeling exhausted. “Ugh. What time is it? And can someone turn the sun off? It’s too bright.”</p><p>“Yup lemme just go turn an actual star off,” Kai says the same time as Virgil says, “bit before 7.”</p><p>Remy wants to go back to sleep. It’s so early. But she also has an 8 am today. Fuck school.</p><p>“Ugh,” she whines again, and clamors out of her bed, “I hate 8 ams.”</p><p>Virgil laughs at her, the jerk.</p><p>“Get used to it.”</p><p>“Okay- well I’m headed to the dining hall for breakfast,” Kai jumps in. “Rem you joining me?”</p><p>“Yeah sure,” she yawns. “Virgil, wanna come with?”</p><p>“Sure,” he agrees, and a new day begins</p>
<hr/><p>Logan meets her outside her dorm building.</p><p>“Hey,” he says, just as she exits.</p><p>“Hi,” she says in return, expecting him.</p><p>They walk to lunch together.</p><p>Logan doesn’t bring up any topics of importance. In fact, he doesn’t talk much at all, just responds to whatever Remy’s saying. She’s not surprised. She was the one who texted him saying they needed to talk after all.</p><p>“I’m sorry I haven’t really been talking to you lately,” she says.</p><p>Logan takes the words and accepts them.</p><p>“I-” she hesitates. She’s done this once now, it should be easy to do it again. “I miss my dad.” It isn’t easy at all, but this time it may be slightly easier than before. Maybe it'll keep getting easier. She hopes.</p><p>If it doesn’t get easier that would suck. But she’ll have to learn to manage, because this is something she needs to talk about.</p><p>“Oh,” Logan says. “Oh okay.”</p><p>She nods.</p><p>They talk.</p><p>Remy shares everything.</p><p>Logan understands and he’s sweet and he’s caring and- unlike her father- Logan listens to her. He listens to her and Remy feels heard.</p><p>She’s not so sure what was so hard about this in the first place.</p><p>“I’m still not quite sure why you didn’t just tell me in the first place,” Logan admits. Remy can’t help but agree.</p><p>“It was… hard,” she comes to it, “It was hard. It was hard to admit that I missed someone that hurt me. Someone who I’m likely going to have no to minimal contact with for the rest of my life. That was hard to accept. I’m still struggling to accept it.”</p><p>“Okay,” Logan says, and he doesn’t say that he understands or gets what she’s going through because he doesn’t get it, not quite. But he says okay, and he listens, and Remy thinks it might finally be okay. She’s going to be okay.</p><p>“Oh,” she says. She picks at her food, because this is a big decision, “Oh and I’m transgender. I’m still going by Remy but I’m using she/her pronouns and feminine language now.”</p><p>“Oh. So that’s what you talked to Patton about,” comes Logan’s immediate response. It’s such a Logan thing to say. Remy’s missed it, missed him. She smiles and this time it doesn’t feel so fake.</p><p>They talk for a bit longer. Logan offers the support he’s able to. Remy says she’ll reach out more. She mentions that Virgil brought up therapy, says she might look into that. Logan supports her. She doesn’t need his support, but it’s nice to have anyway.</p><p>Maybe she doesn’t need a lot of things, but she thinks that some of her wants might be just as important.</p><p>They finish lunch.</p><p>Remy moves forward.</p>
<hr/><p>Cha-Cha is trying to find Elliot. The weather's shit today and Remy doesn’t want to go outside, but Cha-Cha needs attention and exercise so Kai, Remy, and Elliot started playing hide-and-seek with her down in the main room right where you enter the dorm building.</p><p>No one seems to mind them much. In fact, many people seemed to enjoy the distraction from the dreary weather outside, and now there’s a whole group playing.</p><p>Remy always gets out first. Cha-Cha intentionally seeks her handler out before anyone else. She’ll zoom past everyone else just to find Remy’s hiding spot. Remy thinks it would be frustrating if it wasn’t so adorable. She has such a good dog.</p><p>“Cha-Cha’s too good at this,” Elliot sighs, and falls onto the seat on the couch next to Kai and her.</p><p>Remy and Kai murmur agreements.</p><p>Remy thinks, and decides now is as good of a time as any.</p><p>“Hey,” she says, “Sorry I haven’t really been uh… reaching out lately.” She’s not sure if those are the right words to describe what she’s been doing. But she doesn’t have better ones. She hopes Kai and Elliot understand.</p><p>“Oh so you’re finally going to talk to us?” Kai bites back. He’s caring but there’s a certain bitterness in his tone.</p><p>“Kai,” Elliot admonishes.</p><p>Kai sighs, shifts.</p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Remy says, “I know I haven’t really been great at talking.”</p><p>She pauses, they wait.</p><p>“I- uh well I don’t really- Me and my dad haven’t-” She sighs, swallows her fear, and let’s herself admit the truth, “I sorta came to college this year without my dad’s support. He doesn’t think it’s something I’m capable of. We’re not really on the best of terms right now. But it’s hard, because he’s my dad, y’know?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Elliot says, “Yeah Remy, I do know.”</p><p>Remy shuts her eyes for a moment, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Elliot hasn’t talked a lot about their family, but they have said a bit about how they’ve always sort of been an outsider. They’ve explained that their parents have meant well, but never quite hit the mark. They haven’t gone into details, and they certainly haven’t said much, and they don’t need to.</p><p>“Family can be hard,” Kai adds, “And I- I get the doubt in your capabilities, especially when you’re already facing limitations.”</p><p>Remy’s throat constricts; she doesn’t think it’s possible to feel anymore than she does. Kai understands in a way that most people don’t. Remy knows she has limits, some things she’s never going to be able to do. That’s a fact of life. Kai has those too, Kai gets what it’s like to have people want to make decisions for you; those people who mean well, but also don’t listen. Kai knows what it’s like to live in an inherently ableist world, and like Remy, has learned how to adapt.</p><p>Remy realizes her friends might understand much more than she gives them credit for.</p><p>It’s relieving, to have that support.</p><p>“Yeah,” Remy admits. She breathes in, and accepts. It’s going to be okay. She’s okay.</p><p>There’s a lot she has to work through still. There’s still the tang of bitterness that comes with missing her dad. She still hasn’t told Virgil about being trans. She’s probably going to have to call her dad to get some of her school finances figured out. Things aren’t immediately fixed.</p><p>But things are finally on the right track. Remy finally has control back, has a plan.</p><p>She’s going to be okay. She’s going to be okay. She’s going to be okay.</p><p>Remy repeats that like a mantra, allows it to carry her through even when the stress of everything around her rises.</p><p>She’s going to be okay.</p><p>Cha-Cha comes over, whines and nudges her. Remy’s lips quirk up into a smile.</p><p>They go back to playing hide-and-seek.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><strong>TW: Panic Attacks</strong> (Remy has a panic attack and hyperventilates) <strong>Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (mentioned)</strong> (All of Remy’s past unhealthy coping mechanism are discussed and laid out), <strong>Unhealthy Family Relationships</strong> (Remy acknowledges her father’s toxic traits including manipulation, taking away her service dog, and locking her in her room), <strong>Food Mention</strong> (Kai, Virgil, and Remy head to get food in the dining hall), <strong>PTSD</strong> (Virgil has PTSD and shows symptoms of that, as well as discussing some of his trauma and feelings around it and his recovery), <strong>Cults</strong> (Virgil’s unwilling time in a cult is briefly mentioned)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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